Bullied
by livelovelaugh91
Summary: Eli's constant bullying has Clare ready to go crazy, but will a sudden change of heart bought on by a saddening realization allow him to play nice, letting love truly conquer all? Or will Clare be finally pushed over the edge? Rated M, ECLARE
1. Chapter 1

**I do no own Degrassi the next generation**

*I will warn you that Eli and Clare are totally out of character in this, but what is the fun of fan fiction if you can't remodel some things ? _Also please leave a review if you read my story, otherwise how will I know people are actually reading? It doesn't have to be a critique just tell me what you thought and feel free to leave suggestions. Hope you enjoy!_*

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Clare

I nervously looked at the building I had to enter in five minutes to avoid being punished for too many tardies… Degrassi, it used to be a place where I came to learn, and socialize… It was not ever a place that made my stomach bubble with dread. Not until the day Elijah Goldsworthy started attending. He seems to have it in for me. I guess you could say, I'm being bullied by him. Maybe it's because he can smell the fear on me, maybe it's because he simply wants to make me a millisecond away from peeing my pants every day. Whatever it is he wants to achieve though, he's doing it.

I walked into the school and I looked around the corner before going to my locker. I think today the coast might be clear… finally at least a morning of relief. I spoke too soon though. No sooner than I exhaled I heard a fist pounding the locker beside me, making a loud thud that made me jump. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

"Well well well Saint Clare. You snuck in this morning and you didn't even say hi to me. My feelings are kind of hurt."

"Please not today."

"Please not today? That's what you say every morning. Does it ever work Saint Clare? Why do they call you Saint Clare anyway? Is it because you are a Christian… Is it because you are a _virgin_?"

"None of your beeswax."

"Ohhh nice one, are you gonna fudge me up later? Are you sick of my sugar?"

"What?"

"Oh I forgot, you are a saint… So of course you aren't going to fuck me up and you will never get sick of my shit because you'll turn the other cheek… Is that it?"

"I have to go to class now."

"Oh but this was just getting fun sweet cheeks."

"Please move out of my way."

"I'll move when I'm good and mother fucking ready cunt, you don't tell me what to do."

I turned around to try and go the other way but he was quick. He jumped in front of me and continued to block my path in all my attempts to escape him. The tardy bell rang, I was late again… I'm going to be put in detention. I tried pushing the evil boy but it was a useless attempt. He responded by knocking my books from my hands and kicking them before walking off… What did I do to deserve this? I can't remember doing anything wrong to him, he just targeted me. I would tell Mr. Simpson but he loves the donations Eli's parents are giving. He'd never believe me.

I picked up my belongings and went to the bathroom… every morning I'm reduced to tears. I've never felt so helpless, so voiceless and invisible. I guess I just lost my voice somewhere along the way. I couldn't convince my parents to stay together, I couldn't convince my best friend Alli to stay at Degrassi. Everybody I used to hang with is running with a new crowd and there is no room for me. I walk the halls like a fucking ghost, and Eli notices, though I'd rather be completely invisible. Even in the prayer group I'm involuntarily silent. I speak but nobody hears my words.

I walked out of the bathroom and I started to my class. I kept my eyes on the ground, so it's no big surprise that I bumped into somebody. It was Mark Fitzgerald, he's a bully too but he's never bullied me.

"I'm sorry…."

"You're cool just watch where you are going."

"Okay."

I didn't listen to him. I lowered my eyes to the ground once more and went to class that way. Once I arrived there was more embarrassment in store for me. I became visible for a mere moment but not in a good way.

"Ms. Edwards! How gracious of you to join us. Tell me, do you make your own time? Do you make the rules?"

"No ma'am Ms. O, I just…"

"Then why do you think you can be late to my class whenever you feel like it?"

"I'm sorry, I tried to get here I just."

"Don't try, do… Maybe a day's suspension will put a fire under you."

"Please, I'm sorry…"

"To the office."

"That's not fair!"

"To the office young lady or I will buzz for you to be escorted."

"Yes ma'am."

I was like a water balloon… Held together by thin material, but that was the pin, the needle that made me burst into a thousand pieces. I sobbed hard as I walked through the halls to the principal's office. It's not fair! I tried! Nobody cares.

I got into Simpson's office and I sat there wiping my eyes. I couldn't stop my sobbing… It's been building I guess. He handed me a box of tissues and waited for me to calm down before he spoke.

"Clare Edwards… you know you are a good student. Why can't you be on time to Ms. O's class?"

"I try, I swear I do… I try so hard but I always get stopped."

"By who?"

"Eli Goldsworthy."

"Clare lover's play is no excuse."

"It's not like that… He blocks my way and calls me mean things."

"That's a big accusation."

"It's true."

"You have no proof, so drop that silly notion. Now, since you aren't a regular trouble maker I will send you home for today but I won't put it to your record."

"Thank you sir."

"Now go…"

"Yes sir."

I don't want to go home. There I'm not invisible but the light I'm seen under isn't good. My mother is always nagging me since my father left. I would blame it on her emotional state, but it's more than likely caused by her drinking. The only thing I have is my religion. Prayer group is ineffective but church soothes me… I wish it happened more than just on Sundays.

Eli

I walked by her locker at the time she is usually there. No Clare. I wonder where she could be. The first time I saw her it's like a light shone down from the heavens… It led me right to her and even since that day I've made it my personal mission to fuck with her every day. It's fun. It's not like I'm actually hurting her. I've never hit her… I don't even hit girls. It's just some harmless play. Adam came up, I didn't even recognize until he spoke.

"She got suspended."

"What?"

"Clare got suspended."

"Why?"

"Too many tardies to Ms. O's class."

"Ms. O suspended someone? She hardly ever suspends…"

"She must hate Clare then."

"I would have paid to see that. I'll bet she tried to make excuses."

"It was kind of sad actually… When she left the room everybody could hear her crying down the hall."

"Awesome."

"Why do you hate her so?"

"I don't hate her; I just love to fuck with her."

"Well, that might not be a good idea."

"Come on, it's not like I'm using her as a punching bag."

"Not a physical one."

"Yeah yeah yeah… I'm going to the Dot to have a latte and a few Black and Milds. You in?"

"Coffee yes, but no smoking this time… My mom caught the scent on my clothes and I had to tell her I walked through a cloud on my way home."

"Fine, no smoking for you, more for me. Let's go dude."


	2. Chapter 2

Clare

I woke up the next morning feeling tired. I'd spent all night making sure my mother doesn't drown in her own vomit. Not only that but I've also been absorbing her insults all night. It can really put a damper on getting rest…

I went down to the kitchen and saw my mother standing there with a chilled bloody Mary to her head and a cigarette between her overly painted lips. I looked in the fruit bowl and grabbed a banana then I attempted to be…civil.

"Good morning."

"What's so damn good about it?"

"Well bye."

"Mmhmm."

I walked out of the house and on the road to Degrassi. When I arrived people were still going in by the masses…maybe today I would get lucky and not be picked on? I walked up the steps and through the doors. I got to my locker and got out my things. I wasn't letting my hopes float up high, but I was saying a prayer in my head. Suddenly I was hit by several water balloons filled with… tomato juice. I looked around to see Eli there grinning evilly. People were laughing and pointing at me. I wanted to retreat into the surprising comfort of the bathroom but I knew I had to be on time for Ms. O's class or else she'd try and have me expelled this time. I don't think she likes me much.

I went into the classroom… Tomato juice soaking me from head to toe and dripping onto the floor. I walked into the classroom and I sat down. Dave was the first to say something aloud.

"Damn Clare, ever heard of a tampon?"

"Shut up fucking idiot…"

"Chill out Clare, I was only kidding."

"Well I'm sick of playing… I'm tired of this all."

"Clare!"

"Ms.O?"

"What is the meaning of this?"

"What is the meaning of your big caricature ass nose?"

"I hope you are amused."

"No I'm not. I'm covered in fucking tomato juice and I only got two hours of sleep last night so the only thing that would amuse me is if you shut the hell up!"

Everybody "oohhed" and "awed", I refused to take myself to the office so I was escorted there by one of the security guards. I snatched away from him and plopped down in the cold, uncomfortable folding chair to await my meeting with Simpson. When it finally came I went back quietly. I was fuming.

"Clare, what is going on with you? Twice in a row? What is the meaning of the juice prank? For laughs?"

"No, I didn't do it to myself. It was Eli Goldsworthy. He attacked me with water balloons filled with tomato juice."

"Clare, just stop it, Eli has been in the office helping Ms. Barnum file papers since the doors opened. Find another excuse."

"That wasn't an excuse. It's the truth."

"I have no choice but to give you detention for a week."

"Very well…"

"Now go ask to lend you a pair of gym shorts while you put your clothes in the wash."

"Fine."

Ms. Ronald was friendly. She lent me a pair of gym shorts and a tee shirt and she let me put my clothes in the washer. While my clothes washed I jumped in the shower to get the dried tomato juice off my skin.

Eli

I followed Clare from the office to the locker room… Ms. Ronald was gone on an errand so she didn't even know I snuck in. I saw Clare showering. She's beautiful. It was important that this time I let myself be quiet. Her body was nicely shaped and her skin looked as smooth as buttermilk. While she showered the tune of a song… It sounded like "Yes Jesus Loves Me, for the Bible Tells Me So." I watched the bathing, humming beauty until she turned off the water and then I left. Breaking her down has become a pointless obsession, but I can't stop the cruelty.

Clare

I stayed in the gym clothes until my clothes were done drying. I put on my pants, shirt and jacket again. Luckily all the tomato juice got out of my things. I pulled myself together and walked back out into the halls of Degrassi. I went to Ms. Dawes class. The only class I actually like. I walked in and gave her the note Ms. Ronald wrote. She accepted it and I took my seat. I have this class with Eli…. The only available seat was in front of him. I didn't want to but I'm already late, so I have no choice. Eli started to whisper things to me… Why me?

"I like your birthmark."

"What?"

"The one of your stomach… A little ways above your pussy… Shaped like a peach…ironic huh? A peach above your peach."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"I think you do."

"I don't so please leave me alone now."

"I don't think so. Maybe you could let me see it sometime."

"Shut up!"

"Clare? Is there a problem?"

"No Ms. Dawes, Eli is just talking to me."

"Last straw Mr. Goldsworthy… Detention today."

"Yes ma'am."

I felt betrayed and disgusted. He'd witnessed me without clothes. He must have somehow watched me while I was showering or dressing. Great, I wouldn't be surprised if he took picture or video to make "Clare gone wild" tapes… After Ms. Dawes class I apologized to her for being late, she's so understanding.

"Clare, I can't help but notice you aren't yourself. Your work lately is quite dark."

"I just… I don't know."

"You can talk to me. I mean I'm no teenager but I can relate."

"What if, somebody kept doing mean things to you, and you told an adult but they called you a liar?"

"Clare who is it?"

"I have to go to class."

"Well at least take my number. If you ever need to talk, even if it's just to clear your head call me."

"Yes ma'am… Thank you."

I walked out of the classroom and Eli was there waiting. Probably wanting to be mean to me more. I didn't even look his way but I knew he was there, following me. It was lunchtime so I was headed to the library. He came too. I sat at my usual table and so did he…

"So really how many guys have you fucked? Whore…"

"Leave me alone. I haven't done anything to you, so I don't understand why you are so nasty towards me."

"You haven't seen nasty."

"Whatever… Could I have some peace and quiet please?"

"No."

"Gosh you are so fucking stupid! I think you are a coward. You pick on me because you are afraid to stand up to someone your own size."

"You just have it all figured out don't you?"

"…."

"You're gonna pay dearly for trying to fucking figure me out, but even more so for ratting on me to Simpson…twice."

"Please, I'm sorry just leave me alone. What did I do to you to make you direct your anger at me?"

"Nothing… It was just Tuesday and I felt like it."

He didn't say anything else. He just walked out of the library, but not before knocking my binder into the floor, sending my loose leaf paper and study guides going into a million directions. I picked them up and the silence took over. I like the silence now. I prefer it to voices… voices of strangers, voices of people I know, lately it all seems like unbearable noise.

The day went on. My other teachers were cool luckily so I didn't have any more incidents. When the last bell of the day rang I went to my locker and the word "Bitch" was on it in those colorful alphabet magnets. I had no doubt in my mind Eli done this. I swept the magnets off my locker and I got my things, then it was straight to detention. Surprisingly, Eli and I were the only ones assigned to detention today. He made an effort to sit at the table I was sitting at, and right in front of me so that he could glare menacingly and make me uncomfortable. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse the teacher left out to go make copies of a passage in a book.

"You didn't say hi, I'm hurt."

"…."

"Silent treatment."

"….."

"I know what will make you talk. Let me see it again."

"What?"

"Oh now she wants to talk. You know what… let me see your birthmark Clare."

"No."

"But you let me see it before whore."

"No I didn't and I'm not a whore."

"Oh I forgot, you are a virgin."

The door was closed, why was the door closed? I moved to another table and Eli moved too… When all the tables in the room had run out he just got up and attacked me. I tried pushing him off but it didn't work. He undone my pants and pinned me down until my birthmark was visible. He touched it, like it was a button or something. I never let up fighting, especially not when he grabbed my breasts and fondled them or when he licked my neck. I felt like I was in a straight jacket, I was so helpless. It's like my screaming done nothing and alerted no one. When he finally let me go I hit the ground hard, busting my lip on the tile floor.

"Congratulations _Saint Clare_ those titties are softer than I thought they'd be… Got milk?"

I smacked him and he smacked me back, making my already bloodied lip splash blood everywhere. I went to the door to try and leave but the teacher was now coming back in.

"And where do you think you are going young lady?"

"I was ju…"

"Go back to your seat!"

"Yes sir."

I went back and sat down. Eli started drawing pictures… violent ones of him doing things to me and then some calling me names. I was about to fall apart again… I was a water balloon again… He touched me, even though I said no. I've been molested. With my luck though nobody would believe it, even though I can feel the bruises forming on my wrists and ribcage where he held me down. At least it's Friday.

After detention I went into the bathroom, sure that Eli wouldn't break that rule and come into the ladies room. I was right. I looked out the window and waited until his black hearse left the school parking lot, them I walked home.

When I got there, for some idiotic reason I hoped that my mother was back to her old self, because I needed a hug and somebody to wipe my tears. Instead she greeted me with a smack in the face because I wasn't there to cook dinner at the time she liked. The ring she was wearing scratched my face… Now there is a bloody mark on it. I guess it's only fitting that the outside match the inside. No matter what happens from this day forward, I will be scarred. I went upstairs and got in the shower. After I got out, I looked in the mirror. I wish I was skinnier so I wouldn't even have breasts for Eli to grab. They won't disappear on their own… I grabbed my toothbrush and I shoved it down my throat until I vomited, twice and then I went to bed without eating.

Eli

"Dude I'm telling you she'll be fine."

"Eli, you molested her in detention and you think she'll be fine?"

"I just felt her up a little… Slut was begging for it."

"Like she begged for you to follow her to the girls' locker room and watch her shower?"

"Exactly."

"Eli, look I know this is some kind of obsession with you but I'm begging you to stop before she hurts herself or you hurt her…or before you get in trouble."

"By who?"

"The law."

"Law Jaw."

"I'm serious. Just leave her alone. She's a nice girl and she never gives anybody problems. If you want to pick on anybody pick on a real slut. Bianca De Sousa."

"Nah, her spirit it already broken."

"So you are trying to break Clare's spirit?"

"…."

"Eli, you need help."

"Are you going to nag or get your ass kicked in this game?"

"I'm going to try and give my stupid ass friend some directions and win this game."

"Whatever dude, watch your back."

As much as I want to deny the truth, Adam is right. I have a problem. I love to harass Clare and I should be ashamed for trying to break her spirit but I can't help myself. Today seeing her shower and then touching her, it was satisfying in a way but I felt a little guilty. I've never seen anyone look so defeated and helpless in my life. It has occurred to me that leaving her alone and letting her walk the halls like a phantom would be an option, but I don't want to. The tears I make Clare cry are more valuable to me than diamonds. Each one more expensive than the last. I have to make her cry diamonds until my mine is complete.

**Thanks alot for reading! Please leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

Clare

Sunday was the only day that gave me any relief, and that went well enough. Hearing the sermon and singing helped lift a little of the heaviness off of my heart but that, like all good things came to an end and before I could catch my breath I was walking into Degrassi. But not before a night filled with my mother's drunken insults and he hitting me several times across my back with an extension cord. I had bloody bruises on my back but, at least nobody can see them. I wore a hood on my head to hide the scar my mother put on my face.

When I got to my locker "slut" was put across it in alphabet magnets. I took the magnets down once again and I threw them in the trash. I got my things and I went to Ms. O's class. She didn't have anything to say to me today, luckily.

I felt like a ticking time bomb. Like at any second, with the slightest incident I could just explode and then little pieces of Clare would end up all over the place. My back hurt and there was nothing I could do about it. I was scarred and ugly now as well. I'm just a fucking mess. I wish there was at least one person I could go to for a hug and comfort, but the only people I have who care about me are Darcy and Alli… Neither are here right now.

The day passed quickly with minimal incident. Eli of course insulted me in Ms. Dawes class but he's done worse to me. I guess a little name calling can't hurt that much, can it? Well, the names can't break my bones, my feelings were hurt though. Especially since he… saw me.

Detention was quiet and filled with people this time around. I found myself going to sleep. When I woke up the teacher was shaking me and telling me to wake up. I walked out and the halls were empty. Even the teacher left and went the other direction. Suddenly… Eli blocked my path.

"I don't recall you saying hello today Saint Clare."

"Please Eli, not today… It's after school."

"So."

"Please move?"

"No."

"I'm begging you."

"You can beg better than that… Maybe on your knees, with a full mouth?"

"You are a disgusting human being."

"And you are a disgusting whore."

I tried getting around him and going the other was like usual, it only ended with me being pinned against the lockers and bombarded with insults coming from him. It was like he was an entire crowd calling me names that would make a sailor blush. I finally fell apart like the water balloon I am.

Eli

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, STOOOOOPPPP!"

Clare slumped down against the lockers and covered her ears while she cried. I felt an overwhelming sensation… I think it was guilt and pity. The hood of her jacket came off her head and I saw a huge red gash on the side of her face. I watched her while she rocked and cried. I think I succeeded and victory isn't so sweet. I've broken her spirit.

I walked away from the broken girl wondering why I done it. Why did I have to go that far and break her? Why did I want to? Because I felt like it I guess, now I wish I hadn't had that overwhelming impulse to wrong her and take her to the point of no return. I pulled the trigger, held the razor, fed her the pills, and put the rock over her belly to anchor her under the waterfall. I've taken Clare's life… Not physically but what good is having body function with no life left in you to live? I feel bad.

Clare

I stayed in the school, crying until nightfall. I don't know how late it was but the sun had been down for hours. I walked out of the school through the backdoor. I was trembling all over, probably from the million panic attacks I just had back to back. Now I bet Eli will really pick on me… I finally got home and my mother drunkenly stumbled over to me.

"You're fucking late Clare… Five hours."

"I'm sorry mom. I've had a hard day."

"Clare, I let my boss stick his cock up my ass today so that I could get a pay raise… You can talk to me about having a rough day when you have a dick down your throat."

"Mom wh…"

"Don't fucking question me! Go to your room."

She back handed me and I went to the ground. Maybe she was stronger, maybe I'm just weak. I haven't eaten in a while and I'm feeling out of balance. I showered and put on fluffy pajamas after I changed the dressings on the whips on my back. I got online and luckily Alli was on chat. She popped up on my screen.

"Clare! Finally you are on. I missed you!"

"I've missed you too Alli."

"What's wrong, you sound so sad and what happened to your face?"

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing."

"It's nothing. How is the all girls' school?"

"It's a school full of girls. I'm having my mom and dad switch me back to Degrassi next semester."

"That's great."

"Well, dinner is done so I have to go now… I love you best friend Clare."

"Love you too Alli."

The short chat was over and I found myself a little happier. At least my best friend was coming back. I hope I live to see her again. Something in my body is telling me that I won't. I feel so weak lately that going to sleep and never awakening seems like a plausible outcome for me. I just feel so bad… I'm cold and my body hurts…It feels like I'm falling apart. Like I'm dying.

The next day my mother left for work. She didn't even check on whether I was ready for school or not. I guess she doesn't care. I found it hard for me to get up out of the bed so I just stayed there.

Eli

Telling Adam that I felt bad was a mistake. I needed someone to talk to but of course he started in on the "I told you so's"… I was determined to apologize to her today, but all I saw was an untouched locker and empty chairs in her classes. She was absent. I went into the girl's bathroom to see if she was there, but no Clare Edwards.

Bad thoughts ran through my mind. What if she has killed herself? The blood really would on my hands then. I feel bad that I put her through that especially when somebody else is hurting her… That scar on her face wasn't just a normal little scrape. It was as if someone purposely dug the skin out of that strip of her face. It was pretty bad. I can't imagine what she must go through at home or wherever she received that battle scar… I feel bad.

**Thanks for reading. Please leave a review. Let me know what's on your mind. =)**


	4. Chapter 4

Clare

I stayed in bed all day, until an hour before my mom came home… Then I got up and made something simple for dinner… It was soup. After cooking I took a bath and planted myself at the desk in my room while I done homework from yesterday. My mother never said a word to me but when I went down later in the night to get a drink of water and I saw that she'd eaten some soup… Good for her I guess. Later on that night she came up to my room banging on the door. I locked it so she couldn't get in… she threw plates at the door, shattering them until she passed out off her nightly liquor binge…. I put her to bed and made sure she would be okay and then I cleaned up the glass… It took me hours to clean up those tiny glass pieces. Another sleepless night.

When my alarm clock rang the next day I knew I had to get up and go to school. The scar was starting to heal along with the whips on my back. I got dressed in a pink sundress with a sweater. I'd rather wear pants but I have to wash clothes today.

I walked down the steps and my mother was there sitting at the table with a cup of coffee. I didn't even bother to say good morning, but that didn't go un-noticed. She called my name and I turned around slowly.

"The soup was too salty last night. Don't let it happen again or else."

"Or else what?"

"Are your back talking me you mouthy little bitch?"

"No… I was just asking or else what?"

"Or else this!"

She went to hit me with a spatula but I turned around… unfortunately it didn't miss me all together. It hit the nape of my neck. I yelped out in pain and grabbed the area. It wasn't bleeding but I knew it would bruise. I took my hair out of the messy ponytail it's been in since last night and I let it down.

The walk to Degrassi was not nearly long enough. I walked into the building and my stomach knotted up. I feel like I could barf but I know I won't. I went to my locker and I was surprised to see that no magnetic insults awaited me. I guess he forgot today, unless he has something else in store. I got my things quickly and got to Ms. O's class. Like usual she had to take out her anger on me.

"So Clare Edwards, I hope you enjoyed your vacation yesterday."

"It wasn't a vacation Ms. O. I was ill."

"Then you have a doctor's note?"

"No I don't…"

"Then it's unexcused?"

"I guess so damn! Are you retarded, shit you ask more questions than a CIA interrogator!"

"To the office."

"To the office!"

"Young lady."

"Young lady…"

"That is enough…"

"That is enough."

Needless to say I was escorted out of the classroom again, but I didn't care. I don't care about half of this anymore. It felt good to make her frustrated and humiliate her in front of the class. Now I'm probably going to pay for it.

"Clare, why are you here again?"

"Ask Ms. O, she's always picking on me."

"I don't believe that."

"Yeah yeah yeah."

"Young lady what is the meaning of this?"

"Just a troublemaker I guess. So what is it? A couple days' suspension or detention. How about you just expel me this time?"

"No Clare. I think you have a deep emotional issue. I'm going to cancel your current detention sentence and replace it with daily after school meetings with Ms. Suave for a week."

"Whatever."

"What happened to your face?"

"Don't know… maybe I got into a knife fight?"

"After school… Ms. Suave."

"I got it."

"Also, we are going to change you from Ms. O's class to Ms. Dawes morning art class."

"Okay."

I was happy to hear that bit of news. I walked to Ms. Dawes with my note and she sat me at a station with Fitz. I'd never had any issues with him before, so I didn't see why I'd have any now. He helped get me caught up on the project they were doing now. It was pretty easy… Drawing a picture of your hand. I can do this.

I found myself liking this class because it took my mind off life. I didn't have to think about anything except doing the art works. It was really sort of a stress reliever. After the class I went to Ms. Dawes to tell her how much I think this class was going to work.

"Ms. Dawes I think I li…"

"Clare, what happened to your face and your neck?"

"Nothing."

"Clare, you can talk to me, you know that."

"I know, it's really nothing."

"Okay."

I walked out of the classroom and on to my next class… It went by quickly because there was no teacher so I got a little nap. It didn't help much, but it's better than nothing. The next class was Ms. Dawes class again. I walked in and got a seat upfront. It filled up quickly after that and Eli had to sit in his usual seat in the back… At least I will get through this period without teasing.

When the bell rang for lunch I walked out quickly and went to the bathroom. The place on my neck was swollen and redder than a ripe tomato. I wet a napkin with cold water and placed it to the injury. It only helped a little. After the soothing I walked out of the bathroom towards the library, but I was stopped by Fitz.

"Excuse me."

"You are excused sexy…"

"…"

"Hey bitch, didn't your mama teach you to say thank you when you get a compliment?"

"I'm not a bitch and you don't know me to call me one."

"I do know about girls like you… You look down your noses at other people because you are supposedly so holy…"

"I never look down on anyone."

"I know what girls like you need."

"Please, let me go."

"Not until I give you what you need."

He grabbed his groin before walking closer to me. I took off running only to be pulled back by my hair. He covered my mouth and dragged me kicking and screaming to a dark, abandoned room in Degrassi. It looked like a storage room.

I kicked him in his privates in another attempt to escape but that only pissed him off more than before. He punched me in the face, kicked me in the ribs a few times and he delivered a roundhouse kick to my face before he pulled his erection out of his pants as he walked over to me. I scooted back as far as I could, the room was spinning, and I felt barely alive… Soon I hit a wall and I knew this would be the end. Fitz smacked me in the face several times, each sending me flying towards the cold tile floor. The last time he threw me to the ground, flat on my back. I tried struggling against him but I was dizzy, disoriented and halfway unconscious. He forced my legs apart.

Eli

I saw something familiar in the hallway on my search for Clare to apologize. It was her notebook and one of her shoes. They made a sort of trail. I followed it into this little blocked off hallway that held a blocked off classroom the teachers used for storage. I heard crying and pleading along with guttural grunts and with insults…

I opened the door and I saw Fitz, on top of Clare raping her. She was fighting to get him off of her but he went on. There was blood everywhere and Clare was a bloodied up mess. I went over and pulled Fitz off of her. I knew she wouldn't be able to run while I fought him so I'd have to knock him out.

"Goldsworthy what the fuck is your problem. I was just about to bust a nut in this morsel."

"Fucking bastard!"

"Oh I get it… She's yours, that's why you treat her so nice."

"She's nobody's but she doesn't deserve to be raped."

"Look at you all noble… Move so that I can finish in her."

"No."

Fitz punched me in the gut and I hit him in the nose. He grabbed it as blood started to trickle down. I slammed him into the wall and then punched him in the jaw when he came at me again. That sent him to the ground… He got a few more punches in on me, making me woozy but I knew I couldn't give up. When I got the upper hand of the fight I kicked him in the face. He was too dizzy to get up, that was when I got Clare, who was no unconscious, off the floor. I took her to Morty, I managed to wake her up.

"Clare? Clare… Come on, wake up."

"Mmmm…"

"Clare, come on… Open your eyes."

"Are you here to finish me off?"

"No, I'm not. I've been looking for you for two days."

"Why?"

"To apologize for bullying."

"Why?"

"I've had a change of heart, just accept it…"

"Mmm… I think I'm dying."

"You aren't, I won't let you."

"Don't take me to a hospital."

"They need to work on you."

"Everybody will know."

"Nobody will know Clare, this has to be done."

She didn't even respond, probably because she slipped back into unconsciousness. I took her to the hospital but I specifically requested my sister to be her doctor. She agreed to take her on as a patient.

Clare

I lay in the hospital bed somewhere between dead and alive I figure, or at least that's what it felt like. Every square inch of my body hurt, right down to my toenails. A nurse came in and took some of my blood, got my story and she helped clean me off. She did a rape kit just in case I wanted to go to court. I could hardly breathe it felt like, but I found a way to take that pill that would prevent me from getting pregnant.

After a little while a doctor came into the room. By now I was throwing up in a plastic tub they gave me. She looked familiar but I couldn't quite place her…

"Hi Clare, I'm Dr. Goldsworthy but most people around here just call me Goldie."

"Ok Dr… Am I dying?"

"No, you do have a concussion, a few broken ribs and you will have a fucking heap of bruises and cuts. Also, you have some vaginal bruising and tearing which is a common thing to see in rape victims but it's not that severe, we will start you on some anti-inflammatory meds for the pain but the bruises and tears should heal themselves. I know you are probably tired but there is an officer who would like to speak with you."

"Okay."

The police officer came in and asked me the normal questions… Well I guess the normal questions they'd ask a rape victim. He seemed like he was trying to be respectful while he asked them but I was tired. I gave him Fitz's name and I told him what happened. He wrote it all down.

"Officer?"

"Yes Ms. Edwards?"

"I know you had to get that information but if we have a trial it will make my life hell… Is there any way that I can just use the evidence they collected and get a restraining order instead of this going to court and everybody finding out?"

"Are you sure? We have a strong case against this guy. You have a sturdy witness, flawless evidence and these pictures are enough to turn any jury."

"I'm sure sir, I just… I don't want people knowing."

"I understand and I respect your decision. We will file up those papers and make it so that he can't even be in the same school as you."

"Thank you."

Finally it felt like someone was listening to me. It took me getting raped for it to happen. It feels like I was made of glass and someone threw a rock at me. The pain is horrible and the pain medications haven't kicked in yet. What hurt even more than my body though, was my heart… I was saving myself for my husband, the man of my dreams and Fitz came and took away what he had no right to take away.

I felt sick again so I threw up in the vomit tub put beside my bed. A nurse came in with flowers and a bear. Great, I thought nobody would hear about this.

"Hi honey… You've gotten some pretty flowers from our little male candy striper Eli. His sister is actually your doctor. Oh he gave you this bear too."

"Thanks…"

The nurse put the florist bought fights on the window seal. I stared at the ceiling until the door opened. It was my mother. She didn't look sad, or even sympathetic. She walked over and sat down in the chair beside the bed and she took a sip out of her flask.

"Well, congratulations…You just passed slutting around 101."

"I didn't mom, he raped me."

"Is that what they are calling it these days?"

"…."

"I hate hospitals. Always have so I'm gonna be leaving real soon. I just came to tell you that if you let them know where those marks came from I will kill you."

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"Yeah, keep it that way. They are keeping you here two days just because you laid on your back so I'll see you when you get out."

She left and so did the pain… The medicine started to kick in and I got very very sleepy.

Eli  
"Little brother, this girl has more injuries than just from the rape. I didn't tell her we found more because she's been through enough but it seems like she's being abused… Probably at home. Do you know her mother?"

"No."

"How do you know her?"

"School?"

"So she's your girlfriend? She's cute…"

"No, she's not I used to…"

"Used to what?"

"I used to bully her okay."

"Eli!"

"I know I know… That was until a few days ago when I realized how damn destructive I was."

"Well I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways. Don't let this happen again."

"So she will be fine then?"

"Yeah physically, the rape won't kill her…but I'm worried about that home life of hers."

I knew something was up with Clare with that nasty gash across her face, now medical professionals see it too. My sister broke some kind of oath telling me all that stuff but I had to know the extent of the damage. That damn Fitz.

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	5. Chapter 5

Clare

Even though this hospital is cold, and the sheets are thin I'm not ready to go home. I know things are only going to be worse now. My father came by and gave me some money, but he made it very clear there was no room in his life for me. Not even on the weekends. I should have expected that, I haven't seen him in months.

I get out of this place tomorrow, and though the doctors suggest I take a week off from school, I'm going to go back. Being there would be better than being at home. My mother came by earlier and told me that her boyfriend was moving in. Just what I need around me, more madness.

Eli came into my room and sat in the chair in the corner. He's been coming everyday now since the incident. I think he feels sorry for me or something. I don't want his pity, but at least he isn't calling me names.

"You don't have to be here you know."

"No, I want to be here."

"Why? You don't even like me."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to."

"I don't have a problem with you Clare. Is this about the bullying thing again?"

"Excuse me if I'm a little touchy about it Eli."

"It's not like you tried to kill yourself over it…"

"…."

"Did you?"

"I went to the roof but I couldn't jump. I grazed my skin with the razor but I couldn't make myself press hard enough to do damage to the vein and well… I couldn't find any pills strong enough."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you sorry? What changed your mind?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"It was when I saw that scar on your face and…when you broke down."

"You felt bad for me?"

"Yes."

"Well don't"

"Would you like me to go back to bullying you?"

"It's not my decision. I wouldn't but if you are going to you will whether I like it or not."

"Well I'm not. Don't I get any thanks?"

"…"

"I saved you from Fitz."

"No, you just stopped him seconds before he was done with me."

"Well if I'd never found you."

"Then I'd be dead probably."

"Exactly."

"Don't you see, I wanted to die? I didn't want to be raped but I wanted to die."

"Sorry to spoil your plans. I'll just leave."

Eli left and I looked at the thin scratch like marks across my wrist. I wish I'd pressed that razor harder, then I would have never been raped, violated, humiliated or any of that. Everybody knows… Everybody knows I was raped. I thought it was a secret until Alli came to visit me. She told me she heard it at the Dot, all the Degrassi kids were talking about it. I'm just a freak to everyone. Just a fucking victim.

Eli

"I swear Adam, I don't fucking get her! I try and play nice and she's all closed off!"

"Eli a little sensitivity would help. She was just raped, and you fucked her up emotionally…. Not only that but the social services came to talk to Ms. Dawes today about her, and she told them Clare comes to class with oddly shaped bruises in strange places and that her parents divorced about a year ago."

"My sister found more injuries than that. Keep this to yourself when I tell you?"

"Of course dude, pinky swear."

"Clare had whips all over her back and patches of bruises and swollen skin that looked like belt buckle imprints. She even had a bruise on her neck shaped like a spatula."

"Poor Clare. Like I said Eli, a little sympathy, patience and sensitivity will help. She doesn't trust you and she shouldn't yet… Do stuff to gain her trust."

"Like what expert?"

"I don't know… bring her food? Protect her at school when she comes back and people talk behind her back. Keep her from hurting herself… Offer to take her to counseling? Why is it so important that she like you anyway?"

"I don't know…"

"Do you like her?"

"Adam you know I haven't liked anyone since Julia died."

"Eli, you might like Clare."

"Should I like her?"

"Only if you can help her. If you're going to make things worse then leave her alone."

Adam has a good point. Maybe I do like Clare, I'm just not sure though. I mean, other than that day when I watched her shower I've never really thought of her that way. I guess because she's so innocent and I'm not. Truth is, I'm a bad guy, and that's why I make myself do bad things, to good people. Maybe I did like Clare at first, and I was mean to her so that there would never be a possibility of her liking me. That way at least she wouldn't have to suffer the same fate as Julia, dying because of me. Only one thing went wrong though, I got obsessed. I wanted to be around her and touch her, but I didn't want her to have any positive emotions towards me. So I called her names that she wasn't and I embarrassed her and I… I'm no better than Fitz.

I walked to Mr. Simpson's office and sat down in front of him. He looked pleased to see me, because he probably thought I was telling him my parents were going to donate some more stuff to the school. He was shocked when my words actually came out.

"I did bully Clare Edwards."

"Excuse me?"

"When you asked me if I had the other week, I lied when I said I didn't. I bullied her Mr. Simpson. I called her names, and I put offensive magnets on her locker."

"Well this is a very serious thing Eli. You do realize you could get up to a ten day suspension for bullying, don't you?"

"Yes sir."

"Two days suspension and a month of weekend cleaning duty…plus meetings with Ms. Suave on Tuesdays after school… Also I will be informing your parents."

"Yes sir."

I walked out of the office feeling a little better. At least I'd righted one wrong. Now I was on suspension, so I went to the hospital to see Clare again. My sister was in the room talking to her. I happened to hear the conversation through the door.

"Clare, you have to tell us who it is hitting you! We won't let them hurt you again!"

"I can't! Don't you see I can't?"

"Clare look, call this number if this person starts the abuse again, somebody will come and get you out of there."

"Okay…"

Lucia or Goldie as she's referred to by her patients walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. She looked annoyed and somehow not very surprised that I was standing there.

"She still won't tell us who it is. My money is on the mother but everybody is innocent until proven guilty."

"Thanks for the details."

"Why are you even here?"

"I got suspended?"

"Why?"

"Because I turned myself in for bullying Clare. She's told on me twice, but nobody believed her…"

"That was the right thing to do Eli. What's the punishment?"

"Two day's suspension, cleaning the school every weekend for a month and counseling after school every Tuesday."

"Good, a little hard work along with a shrink could do you some good."

"Whatever."

"Well go on in there, be easy though. Her emotions are like melting ice….fragile."

"How is her body?"

"Healing well."

"That's good."

"Her test results came back and she doesn't have any diseases."

"That's wonderful…"

"Well let me go, remember keep this in the vault."

"Of course. Who am I going to tell?"

Clare

Eli came into the room again. I was crying… I wanted so badly to tell Goldie that it was my mother putting these scars and bruises on me, but something in me wouldn't let me, because deep down I still feel like one day I will come home and she will be sober, and nice with dinner and dessert cooked like she used to. I keep hoping that one day she will hug me and not slap me or insult me. It's a long shot but I have to have hopes, if I don't then I will fade away like Echo, until nothing is left but my bones and my voice.

"You don't give up do you?"

"No."

"Why are you here right now?"

"I got suspended."

"Caught bullying your latest victim?"

"Funny, you were my only bullying victim and… No, I turned myself in as your bully."

"What? Why?"

"To let you know I mean business."

"Do you really care what I think?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I just do, it's not important right now. Think of me as an ally, an associate, a friend… if you will."

"What's in it for me?"

"A ride anywhere you want to go."

"That's why we have the bus."

"This would be free."

"What else?"

"You wouldn't have to be by yourself all the time and if you hung with me, nobody would mess with you about anything… Not the tomato juice, not what Fitz did to you…nothing."

"…."

"My friend Adam is a lot nicer than I am."

"Adam Torres?"

"You know him?"

"My best friend…well she was until she moved, she used to date his brother."

"Glad we are all acquainted, so this is a yes to you joining my little crew?"

"Maybe."

"While you are deciding I think you should know that Fitz isn't at another school… The police told him he can't have any contact, classes or anything with you but he can stay at Degrassi… There's been talk."

"You said you will make sure nobody messes with me right? Not even him?"

"Not even him Edwards."

"Fine, I will hang with you and Adam."

"Excellent, welcome to the club."

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review. =)**


	6. Chapter 6

Clare

I walked into Degrassi and it felt like a spotlight was shining down on me. People were staring and whispering. Most whispered about what happened between me and Fitz, but there were other rumors too… Rumors that I was getting beat at home. I wish I could say the rumors weren't true, but I can't. Instantly I wanted to retreat. I went to my locker and stuck my head in while I was getting my belongings out. It's my way of hiding from the world. In the midst of sticking my head in the sand, I saw black boots on the ground; I can only guess who they belong to. Eli, except now I know he isn't going to insult me or attack me. Hopefully, he's on my side.

"Hey Clare, how are you today?"

"Okay, thanks."

"Don't lie, you are hiding, usually I'd say it's from me but… now that you know I'm a friend to you, it has to be something else."

"Everybody is talking."

"We can fix that."

"Huh?"

"Watch this… HEY EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, MUTTER ONE MORE WORD ABOUT THIS GIRL HERE AND YOUR LIFE WILL GET REALLY SHITTY… I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT!"

Everyone was silent; they didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to think. I felt my face flushing with embarrassment but I noticed that people stopped looking at me and the sneaky whispering stopped.

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Make them stop."

"They aren't stupid Clare."

"Why, what can you do to them? Other than what you done to me…"

"Clare what I done to you was mild compared to what I do to guys I don't like… I didn't even dislike you, so what's that telling you?"

"Oh. So you have been to boot camp then?"

"If that's your way of asking me if I can do a decent roundabout and one hundred pushups in a few minutes then… yes. What's got you all inquisitive?"

"I figure if I'm going to hang with you, even if it's just for protection then I should know more about you."

"Okay."

I had a few more questions but all questions ceased when the moment of truth came. I've been wondering how I would react when I actually had to see Fitz again face to face, well the time has come to find out and it seems I don't have a choice.

"Saint Clare, I don't appreciate you sending the men in blue up here to bust my chops and you Emo boy… I'm not scared of you."

"Well that's interesting because you should be Marky Mark. Fuck with Clare again, even so much as look at her the wrong way and you'll be a fucking rug on my floor, right next to the bear skin."

"We'll see."

"No I'll see…"

Fitz looked defeated and he walked off, slamming some random guy into the locker just because he felt like it. I looked at Eli who'd suddenly turned darker than I'd ever seen him. He didn't even look like the same person. He noticed me looking at him and he snapped out of it quickly.

"See, I told you… not even he will mess with you."

"So I see, thanks."

"No problem."

Eli

That Mark Fitzgerald gets up under my skin. For a moment I actually considered all the possible torture combinations I could use on him to break him… I know his type, tough guy, street smart. Even the toughest will shatter with needles under their nails though… I quickly shook the thought of torturing this monster out of my head. I walked Clare to Ms. Dawes class and then I went to chemistry, which I had with Adam.

"So dude, I heard about the show down."

"News travels too fast at this school."

"We must be entertained in some way… So, how is Clare doing?"

"In what way?"

"Both."

"Well physically, my sister said she's practically all healed up, and I don't know if you've laid eyes on her today but… her bruises are starting to fade. Mentally, well I don't think she's too stable."

"Like "Snapped" unstable or "heavy medication" unstable?"

"Probably a lot of both, given her current situations."

Adam's interesting statement made me wonder if Clare did have a breaking point, and if she reached it what would she do? She doesn't seem like a murderer or a violent person, but neither are most of the people who lose it and do what they do. I guess in addition to protecting her, I can make it my personal mission to ensure that nothing pushes her to that point, at least nothing at school… That home life of hers is a totally different story.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =)**


	7. Chapter 7

Clare

I sat in the Dot with Darcy who'd suddenly come back from Africa. Apparently somebody had clued her into the craziness going on in my life so far. I tried hiding the truth from her but eventually I started crying and the truth came out. All of it was laid out on the table for her. I didn't even cover up for our mother.

"Clare, you should have told me. I could have come back an…"

"No Darcy. You are living your life. You deserve to because it's yours. Don't worry about me."

"Clare, you are my baby sister… I remember on the day you were born, I had on a "World's best big sister" shirt and I promised to always be there for you and help if you were in trouble, no matter what… Clare I don't know where your mind is but this definitely qualifies as no matter what."

"But Africa…"

"My mission is done Clare."

"Mom will be so mad."

"Look… Dad has a little house not far from Degrassi that he uses for storage. If we can convince him to let us live there then we will have a place to stay… I can get a job here which would promise me time with Peter and we could be okay."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

"Okay."

I hugged my older sister and I wiped my tears. I would have to stay at my mother's until everything was all sorted out, but what's a week or two more compared to the hell I've been going through at home for the past year or so?

I went home to see the silhouette of my mother and her new boyfriend arguing in the window. I opened the door cautiously, narrowly avoiding being hit by a flying vase. Their fights are so violent. I don't know why they are even together. Probably because he gives her lots of money…

Nobody said hello to me as I walked through the path of broken glass and de-stuffed pillows to my room. When I got there I closed and locked the door. I laid my back pack down on the floor and I lay back on my bed. The scars from Fitz's attack have cleared up completely… my mother's marks from last night's beatings are still fresh though… They refuse to let themselves be forgotten. She hit me with an unwound wire hanger several times across the back of my legs. I couldn't stop her though I tried to flee several times. Her boyfriend just watched the beat down while he smoked a nasty smelling cigar and drank bourbon straight from the bottle… He didn't even try to help. That's how I know he's a bad guy…

I showered and I put on a pair of fluffy pajamas. Ever since she's gotten a boyfriend I no longer have to put her to bed… So I actually got to go to sleep. I managed to block out the noise they were making by putting in my ear buds and listening to some soothing music. There was another issue with sleeping though. Every time I slipped into REM I had dreams about what happened with Fitz and me. The dreams are so real that I sometimes wake up choking, as if blood is running down my throat again like it was that day. Sometimes I wake myself up struggling against someone who isn't even there. Sometimes the struggle in the dream is so intense that I flip off the bed. I've ended up with a few scratches and some bruises on my neck from hitting the nightstand. It doesn't matter what time I go to sleep, or how many times I go back to sleep… the dream still occurs and plays itself out the same way.

When my alarm clock went off the next morning I was exhausted. I got up and dragged myself to the shower. I put on a pair of jeans and a black hoodie. I grabbed my backpack and I started walking to school like I did every morning… I didn't get very far when Eli pulled beside me.

"So you are going for a morning jog I see?"

"Eli, I don't need you to take me to school. I can go myself. How do you even know where I live?"

"It's been a month since I've started doing this and you are just now asking? I found you in the directory."

"Well look, stop wasting your gas."

"I'm trying to be nice. After today, I won't offer you a ride to school again but today please? Just accept the ride."

"Fine."

Eli

She always looks so tired. I would ask why but I don't feel like arguing with her. She still fighting against me, which Adam says is normal considering how I bullied her. I guess I wouldn't trust me either.

We got to school and I escorted her to her locker. She looked like a zombie, or like some people say, she was dead on her feet. I can only wonder if it's from her home life or from what happened to her…

She walked on to class. I waited to meet up with Adam. Fitz walked up to me and slammed me against the lockers. I pushed him into the lockers across the hall and then the fists came out. I saw that he had his hand on a knife… I did too. Before either of us could draw our blades the security guards came and broke up the fight. While was sat in the office waiting for Mr. Simpson Fitz started bumping his gums.

"Nice blade emo boy, where you going to carve me up?"

"Like a fucking jack o lantern."

"Yeah well I had similar plans for you… You went sticking your nose where it didn't belong."

"You went sticking your dick in someone it didn't belong in."

"What was she to you emo boy? Everybody saw you fucking her up mentally everyday… Now you expect the world to believe you are her friend."

"No I don't, but I'm not going to let anyone mess with her, especially not trash like you! I never disliked her. I might have gone a little too far with my teasing but once I saw she didn't deserve that I stopped…You raped her!"

"Well you squeezed her titties and touched her elsewhere Mr. Molester."

"That's different."

"Is it really now? I don't regret it and if I ever got another chance to fuck her I would…"

"Sick son of a bitch!"

"Oh I get it, that's what you want to do, stick your dick in her except you are trying the enemy to friend method huh? You know she's fucked up, that's why you want her."

"Shut up. You don't know shit Fitz. Not a damn thing."

The conversation ended there because Ms. Simpson walked in. I wish I wasn't in these damn cuffs or I would have killed him in this little square room.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a respectful review. =)**


	8. Chapter 8

Clare

Finally it happened; last night was the last night my mother would ever get to hit me in the back and sides with that frying pan. The last night my torso and back would get bruised from her drunken spells and the last night I had to walk by to see her boyfriend watching porn. Darcy and I moved into the little house. While part of me still has hope that my mother will get better, the other part of me knows that my mother left, along with the marriage she was once a part of.

While Darcy and I unpacked our things, she started asking me questions about my… about Fitz attacking me.

"So, you were awake?"

"Yeah, he dragged me into a storage room."

"Oh my god…"

"He beat me too… All of it hurt."

"Clare, I'm so sorry…"

"Darcy you were violated too."

"I know but Clare you had to consciously live through every brutal moment."

"Yeah I did… Wish I could have gotten roofied first… That would have at least spared me the memories probably."

"Some memories are there."

"But not all of them… Not that it's any better but Darc, when you close you eyes at night and go to sleep you don't see your attacker's face in your nightmares."

"Because I never saw my attackers face at all….What else happened?"

"I… got bullied."

"By who?"

"This guy named Eli."

"The one who's looking out for you now?"

"Yeah… I can't trust him though. I hate being alone with him, I keep thinking he's going to touch me again. Though he's trying to be good I can't help but think he's just reeling me in to do something bad to be."

"What happened Clare? Tell me everything…"

I told her about the general teasing, but specifically, it was that day in detention that makes me distrustful and scared of him. Before Fitz raped me, Eli basically molested me. I should let it go probably, it was nothing right? I can't let it go though, and I don't know why. Darcy and I sat among a sea of boxes crying.

"Clare, why did you let them get away with this?"

"I didn't want anybody to know Darcy. It's so embarrassing and I didn't want my life put on Front Street like a freaking circus."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I do! Because I'm the girl who can't do anything right…"

"Stop it Clare!"

She grabbed my wrists and noticed the thin little scars on them. She looked at them closely for a second or two before I hid my wrists…

"Clare, you tried to kill yourself?"

"Only three times. Nothing major."

"When?"

"Once, right after mom beat me that first time. That was the only time I tried actually hitting her back before I realized that if she had anything in her hand, my little strikes against her were useless… I tried to slit my wrists… The third was the first time Eli's bullying hit its peak. I felt so trapped and there was nowhere to turn. Even before I ever muttered a word against Eli to Simpson, I knew he wouldn't take my side. So I took pills but they weren't effective. The third time, after mom and Eli made me feel like shit in a revolving circle with no break for so long… I went to the roof at midnight one night and I was going to jump but I couldn't…"

"Oh Clare…"

"Why couldn't things have stayed good? When I had friends, and done things and when I had a family… Now I don't know whether I'm coming or going most days. I'm having anxiety and panic attacks when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake… I'm broken Darcy… I'm broken."

"You are not broken Clare. You can't allow yourself to be. We are going to get your power back."

"How?"

"Come on."

She took me to a women's defense center. I never knew these existed. Here you could take self defense class or simply buy to weapons to defend you if you weren't the fists of fury type. Darcy bought me mace. She put it on a keychain; it was even in a pink bottle. I guess that is supposed to be decorative and girly. I don't feel any more powerful. Maybe it takes time to work.

Getting moved in was a task, considering our crying and then our trip to get me something to defend myself… But eventually I was settled into my room, and she was settled into hers. The next day I got up at my usual time. I showered and got dressed. Darcy was still asleep because she doesn't have work until noon. I started on my way to school.

When I got there Adam met me at the top steps. I'm comfortable around Adam, probably because he's so nice but mainly because he doesn't have a penis. I like the fact that he's transgendered. Truth be told, the only way I'm even remotely comfortable around Eli is if Adam was around. Even then, I still don't feel completely care free.

"So, what's up Clare?"

"Nothing Adam, what's up with you?"

"Well…"

He started talking about his budding relationship with Fiona Coyne. I like to listen to him talk about her. It's pleasant to hear such tender words and poetic compliments. Either Fiona is a lucky girl or Adam is a great actor. When we got to my locker he went off to find his love. I wished him luck… I remember being normal and crushing on that special person. The last person to make me get butterflies was KC. Now, we wouldn't even look twice at each other. Not that I'd want to anyway…Eli approached my locker and stopped there like usual.

"Hi Clare."

"Hi."

"So, I went to your house today."

"I thought you stopped driving by?"

"I lied. You don't trust me do you Clare?"

"No. I don't."

"Is it because of the name calling and because I slapped you?"

"No, that could have been forgiven. It was touching me…the way you did that made it impossible for me to trust you. I know you are trying but I can't help it."

"So that's the reason you won't touch me with a ten foot pole?"

"That's the reason."

"Haven't I at least gotten a brownie point for protecting you?"

"I don't know what a brownie point is… I appreciate that but you don't have to Eli. I know you are just doing it to try and extinguish your guilt."

"What can I do?"

"Nothing… Just give me space and don't go back to messing with me and never do that to me again."

"Okay."

He walked away looking a little sad. I wish I could say that I feel bad but right now I don't. I'm not happy he's sad but I am glad to be able to vent my frustrations. Now I have to muster up the courage to give Fitz a piece of my mind. That will take more time. More energy and more bravery than it took to tell Eli what he done wrong.

I went to the bathroom before class. I was late. Ms. Dawes usually doesn't give me a hard time about being tardy though, because I'm not tardy that often. When I was done I went out into he hallway only to see Fitz walking my way. When he spotted me a smile grew on his face and he pulled out a condom. I got out my mace and I pointed it right at him, spraying him in the face. He grabbed his face in agony but he still came towards me, so I sprayed him again and I kicked him in the groin. He dropped to his knees, grabbing his manhood. Something inside me snapped and I couldn't hold back anymore. I sprayed him again. He still laid there writhing in pain. I kicked him in his groin again and his yells intensified. I just started kicking him in his privates, over and over. Turning his genitals into a soccer ball. I kicked him because he raped me and I kicked him because nobody believed I was being tormented by Eli. I kicked Fitz, because Eli touched me and because Ms. O is a bitch. I kicked him really hard because my mother is not my mother anymore… But most of all I kicked him because this is my fucked up life and it's not a dream. He'd passed out, and by the time I came to my senses Mr. Simpson was standing there looking astonished. I dropped the mace and I fell to my knees crying. He called for other teachers and Ms. Dawes came into the hallway. Mr. Simpson and Coach Armstrong checked on Fitz while I told Ms. Dawes what happened. She hugged me and for a moment I felt like I used to when my mother would cradle me in her arms. I felt safe and loved… I know they are probably going to take me to jail, so I wiped my tears and stood there awaiting Mr. Simpson's decision.

"Clare, why did you do this?"

"He was going to rape me again."

"How do you know?"

"The things he's been saying, the fact that he was smiling and walking towards me with a condom in his hand… I just couldn't this time. I couldn't do it!"

"Okay okay… Ms. Dawes would you please…"

Ms. Dawes escorted me to her empty English room. I sat in one of the chairs and I put my head down. She didn't seem concerned for her safety. She knew I wasn't violent. However, I can't say where prevention and vengeance ended and began in the beating I gave Fitz…. About an hour later the police came into the room to talk to me.

"Are you going to take me to jail? Did he die? Will I get life?"

"No, we just want to ask you a few questions… He's still alive, he passed out from the pain but after a corrective surgery to his genitals he will be fine. They say he will still even be able to have children someday…"

"Oh."

"Why did you do it? It says here you reported that he raped you, and there was solid evidence to back it up."

"I didn't want to do it… I have a restraining order against him. I didn't want my life turned into a circus. Do you know how the media crowds rape cases? I didn't want to go through that. So I didn't go to court… I just wanted him away from me and the officer told me they'd make him leave Degrassi but he didn't… he was still here and he got closer than he was supposed to. My sister got my pepper spray yesterday. Today, when I was coming out of the restroom on my way to Ms. Dawes class he was walking down the hall. When he spotted me he just got the nastiest smile on his face… he pulled a condom out… I knew he was going to do that to me again so I sprayed him and I did it again and again… until I started kicking him with everything in me…"

"Neither he nor his parents want to press charges… Get some help. Don't let him have the power and ruin your life by taking out your rage in physical ways."

"Thanks for the advice officer."

When the police left I was sent to Mr. Simpson's office. He looked neither angry nor happy. He was not in between either. His face was a blank canvas, no expression what so ever… Must be bad news.

"Clare, I'm partly to blame for this… I didn't do enough to protect you… Your actions were inexcusable but you were desperate for help. I won't punish you… I will however, sentence you to two hours of therapy with Ms. Suave Monday through Thursday until she sees fit to change that."

"Okay."

I didn't know what to feel. I didn't feel happy, or sad… I didn't feel angry or normal. I guess I'm a blank canvas too. But I noticed that for the first time in weeks, my heart was beating normally and I could breathe. Maybe that's the feeling of a little of my power and liberation returning.

Eli

"Well Adam that is easy for you to say, she trusts you."

"She doesn't have a reason to distrust me Eli, there is a difference. You have to realize that the shit you done to her is sometimes stuff people get sent to prison for… If I were her honestly, I'd probably give you a beat down like she done Fitz this morning."

"What?"

"Yeah, word was that he was trying to rape her again so she maced him and kicked him in the dick until he passed out."

"Shit."

"I'm not going to give you false hope and say she will ever trust you… but I'm not going to damn you and say she won't ever trust you. It's a waiting game my friend. Why is this so important to you anyway?"

"I don't know…"

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review…**


	9. Chapter 9

Clare

I turned in my books. Finally it's the end of the first semester and Christmas is right around the corner. Darcy and I have a pretty good little life. She is even starting university in a little while. We have a tree too, sure, it's tiny…but it's still a tree.

Since the time I snapped Fitz hasn't said another word to me or looked at me again. He's finally honoring the restraining order, but I still think that sometimes he's plotting revenge on me… I haven't spoken to Eli since then either. This morning when I opened my locker a little rectangle shaped box fell out. I picked it up. It was wrapped with a bow and everything. It didn't say who it was from, but when I opened it and saw that a knife was inside, I somehow felt like Eli gave this to me as a gift of some sort… or a warning.

After school, I had to go to my meeting with Ms. Suave. I sat in the comfy chair and I watched her miniature Christmas tree blink. She cleared her throat and it caught my attention. I guess this session is starting.

"So, Clare… how has your day been?"

"Fine."

"Just fine? Did anything good or bad happen?"

"No."

"Nothing at all? What about your exams?"

"I guess I did okay."

"You are shutting me out again."

"I'm not; I just don't know what to say. Nothing bad happened… Nothing good happened. The only thing I have to look forward to today is a sleepover with my friend Alli."

"Well let's talk about that. How does knowing that you will see your friend make you feel?"

"Happy and nervous I guess."

"Nervous why?"

"Because, she will want to know what happened when I got… assaulted."

"Do you not want to talk about it because of the memories or because you are afraid she will judge you?"

"Maybe, both… Ms. Suave, you might not believe it but my life used to be perfect. I was a big part of the robotic battle team, I was a big part of the Christian prayer group here and I had friends, a life and parents who loved me. That was the Clare that Alli was used to, and I don't know if she will like the new me."

"Who is the new you?"

"An orphan, basically, a victim, a victimizer, formerly suicidal and emotionally shredded to pieces."

"That's funny; I don't see any of those negative identities you just gave to yourself. I see a girl who is sensitive, smart, beautiful, talented, strong, lovable, and full of a life…."

"That was old Clare."

"No Clare, that is you… you are still old Clare, and she is still you. Somewhere along the lines, you decided to stop living and you decided to be passive. Now Clare, now, in the dawn of life is the time for you to go after your happiness aggressively because if you don't then you give people… bullies and rapists the license to steal your joy right out from under your nose. I'm going to give you a little exercise… Do something you loved to do when you were "old Clare" and see if you enjoy it. My bet is that you will. That might help you to start to see that there is no old Clare or new Clare, only Clare… When you come back from break I want you to tell me how doing that made you feel…"

"Okay."

"I'm letting you go early today, you have a slumber party to prepare for and plus it will be getting dark soon. Have a nice break Clare."

"You too ."

After she let me go I went to the Dot where I was meeting Alli. She was sitting at the usual table with her overnight bag. I went in and I greeted her. When she saw me she hugged me and squealed… glad to see that hasn't changed.

"Hi Clare!"

"Hi Alli."

"So, I ordered you a hot chocolate but your sister was nice enough to wait until you got here to make it."

As if on cue Darcy bought out a steaming hot chocolate with a huge marshmallow on top. She asked me about school, my exams and about my therapy session with Ms. Suave. I told her that it went well… She went back to bussing other tables.

Alli filled me in on her interesting life at the all girl's school. It sounded like a lot of cattiness which would have been annoying but it would have been better than what I've been living with. Alli told her memories like she was excited, why is she coming to Degrassi again?

"So are you sure you want to be back at Degrassi?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I miss my friends and I miss…boys. I know that's why I left in the first place but I've been working on my self control and my self esteem. See, there is a cute guy over there and I haven't winked at him or anything."

"Alli you are messed."  
"So Clare… Are you really okay?"

"Yes, no, I don't know. Sometimes I'm okay and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I have violent night terrors and sometimes I can't sleep at all. Sometimes I feel dirty, but some days, I know it wasn't my fault."

"Oh Clare, want me to get the football team to kick Fitz's butt?"

"No… it's done. I'm really just trying to move on with life."

Alli changed the subject and she started talking about more all girls' school drama. Suddenly Eli and Adam walked in. I said hello to Adam but Eli and I didn't exchange words. They sat at the table behind us. Eli and I were back to back… Alli got a call from Sav and she was distracted, I decided that I could at least thank Eli for the "gift" he gave me.

"Nice present, was it for self defense or some kind of warning?"

"So I'm not invisible."

"I'm trying to be nice."

"I've heard that line somewhere before…. It was for you. I figure you might need it. Mace won't always work."

"Thanks I think."

"I see you have a friend."

"I wasn't always a loner."

"I have a favor to ask."

"What?"

"It involves your knife."

"No."

"I want you to get revenge on me."

"And?"

"Stab me in the arm."

"What!"

"Stab me in the arm."

I turned around to look at him. Surely this had to be some sort of sick joke. He actually wanted me to stab him in the arm? There wasn't a smile on his face and his eyes didn't harbor any sign of playfulness either. He wanted me to stab him in the arm.

"Why?"

"Because I deserve it."

"You think that will help?"

"It will take away your fear for me…"

"Not hardly and I'm not scared of you anymore. I just don't trust you."

"I'm sorry I sexually assaulted you."

"…."

He rose up his shirt to expose a nasty bruise. It was pretty bad, I mean I've saw worse but that looked like it hurt. When I asked what happened Adam answered instead of Eli.

"Fitz got the best of him in a fight."

"What were they fighting about?"

"Fitz was bragging… I mean the way he's acting you would think you were his first victim… I heard… I heard he's done this to a few Lakehurst girls and some Degrassi girls who happened to be at the ravine. One of them even got pregnant."

"Why didn't they press charges?"

"Why didn't you?"

"Oh… Well Eli, thanks again I guess. That really wasn't necessary. You don't have to defend my reputation but thanks."

"Clare, you didn't tell me you were hanging with Drew's little brother and… Goth kid now."

"Oh, sorry Alli… I didn't know you were back from your phone call with Sav. Are you ready to go?"

"Sure am… I bought chick flicks."

"Great… Adam and….um… I will see you around."

"Bye Clare."

"Yeah goodbye Clare."

Eli

So I guess Adam was right… Trying to get Clare to stab me in the arm was a majorly horrible idea. I just wanted to speed up this whole trust process. Maybe I got trust and fear confused? Maybe I thought they were synonymous like… If she didn't feel afraid of me she would trust me…

"I told you that wouldn't work… But hey Alli is looking kind of nice huh? Think I'd have a chance?"

"Not hardly… she's into Drew type guys remember."

"Oh yeah…jerk. Dude don't get all down. At least she almost said goodbye to you."

"Yeah… Why is this bothering me?"

"You like her. You like her and you are attracted to her."

"I give you permission to kill me. Put me out of my misery."

"And miss out on throwing this bomb ass party when your parents go out of town on New Years? No way…"

"It's nice to know that's the only reason you want me around."

"Yeah I know it's really too nice."

"Shut up dude… I found one of Julia's scrunchies the other day under Morty's seat."

"Whoa…"

"It was like her favorite one…The black one with little pink skulls."

"It's been over a year."

"Adam when you kill somebody..."

"Eli, you didn't chunk her through the windshield yourself…"

"I shouldn't have been driving…"

"What kid would turn down the opportunity to hit the open road with a learner's permit?"

"I should have been the one… It was raining, I just should have known better."

"Julia's death is something you shouldn't beat yourself up over…. Now the Clare situation, you can beat yourself into a stupor but Eli, Julia just died… it wasn't your fault. It was a freak accident."

I knew Adam was right but I've always felt this guilt. Usually I can push it to the back of my mind but when I found that scrunchie, I broke down and all I've been able to think about what that night… That rainy night when Julia died because I was driving. Believe it or not, I used to be normal. In terms of behavior at least. I had a group of friends, a wonderful girlfriend and I even started a club at my old school where people get together and discuss music and shit. Then when that happened… things changed. It's like someone turned off my "nice" button. I wanted to push as many people as I could away. My friends eventually stopped trying and left me to be alone. I didn't want to see them all happy and normal, so I came to Degrassi. It's amazing the assumptions people make about you just because you dress in black and drive a hearse. I was automatically deemed dangerous by the kids, but I was loved by the teachers because my dad donated a lot of shit…. Next came Clare and the torture now I'm here in the Dot poking the foam in my latte with a stirring straw.

"Come on Adam, I'll take you home."

"Alright dude, let's go… You okay?'

"I guess."

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =)**


	10. Chapter 10

Clare

Christmas has come and gone. Now it's New Year's Eve. Alli is staying the night again. I can't believe I'm letting her drag me to this party she was invited to, but once she gets her mind set on something you can't stop her. I dreaded having to get all pretty for the party. That wasn't an issue for her though. She just picked out a dress that stopped above the knee for me to wear. It was black and strapless… I decided to wear a sweater with the dress just to feel more comfortable in it. I wore black slouchy boots with the dress. They were comfortable and it gave me flair I guess. Alli curled my hair and then I put on a little eye shadow.

Our ride to the party was Sav. I didn't know whose party it was, but apparently is was going to be a big blowout to ring in the New Year. I made sure I took my mace and the knife Eli gave to me. You never know who could be here and what may happen. It's better to be safe than sorry.

We climbed in the back of Sav's car. Alli says it was a gift from their father… Holly J. Sinclair was sitting up front with him. The ride wasn't silent but the conversations were segregated. They talked about grade twelve stuff while Alli and I talked about grade ten stuff. The closer we got to the party place, the more nervous and anxious I got. There would be a lot of people there. What if Fitz was there and what if not even my knife and mace could protect me from his anger. I'm starting to think going to this thing is a bad idea.

When we got there Alli looped her arm around mine. I guess she could read the anxiety and tension in me. We each payed the three dollars required and we went into the party. The house of the party thrower is huge, but the décor is surprising. It's rather dark. Usually with houses like this people stick with neutral or pastel colors… Not these people.

Alli went out onto the dance floor and she shook her tail feather. I have never really been much for dancing so I held up the wall. Adam walked by and said hello… That was all he really had time to say because he was chasing after Fiona Coyne. I guess they will go and be intimate in one of the numerous rooms I'm sure this house has.

After about an hour there I had to pee. I really had to pee. I guess it's all the water I drank before coming here. It just seemed like I could not get full so I drank H2O. I went and asked someone where the bathroom was… They told me but they said I had to get the party thrower to unlock the door. They pointed to him and I wanted to ask if they were joking…

"Eli…"

"Clare? You are at my party… This is a surprise."

"I didn't know it was your party. My friend Alli dragged me here. I have to pee, could you unlock the bathroom?"

"Sure."

We started through the crowd and to the bathroom. I was surprised to see that his hallways weren't filled with couples trying to reach ecstasy. Maybe that is for after the party or something.

"Your house is huge."

"It's okay."

"Just okay?"

"Yeah… Well here is the throne room my lady…"

I peed and it felt like the best pee ever. When I was done I washed my hands and I came out of the bathroom to see that Eli was still there. What was he, some kind of sicko listening to me pee?

"Before you say anything, I was just waiting for you to come out so that I can lock the door back."

"Oh… Why do you lock the door?"

"Because this way I can make sure nobody comes in and gets tissue paper to TP the house… It's been known to happen."

"Oh."

"Clare?"

"Huh?"

"I know you probably don't want to be here now that you know it's my house party but I'm glad you came."

"Thanks…"

I walked away, back to the chaos of the party. Eli trailed behind me at a safe distance. I must say that he does know how to throw a party. If I were…myself, I would probably be having fun.

Eli

The music pulsed on into the night. I didn't have any neighbors who were going to call the police because their music was more than likely ten times louder than mine. When the eleven o clock hour started to wind down people gathered around the theater screen TV to count down to the New Year. I saw Clare and Alli standing among the counting people. She'd donned a pink New Year's Eve hat. She almost looked happy… When the old year left us people cheered. Couples and potential hook ups kissed and people toasted with the tequila-spiked punch. It was a New Year and hopefully time for second chances, possibly even a completely new leaf.

I stayed at the front of the party, by the DJ so that I could see everything that was going on. It was then I noticed something that wasn't right. Clare was sipping on bottled water. She didn't have the lid on it and it looked like a guy just put something in her drink. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I might just be categorizing this guy because he's known to roofie girls at parties… I don't even know how he got in here. He wasn't invited and the word shouldn't have gotten to him. I guess roofiers will always find a way to get to a party. Asking him to leave would only start a fight which would cause violence to spontaneously erupt with everyone and I don't really need to have holes in the walls and broken windows to explain to my parents.

I noticed that Clare started to look a little out of it.

Clare

I feel so out of it right now. Things are starting to become blurry. I went to try and find Alli. This guy grabbed my waist and he started trying to pull me. I pushed him and he pulled harder. I was seeing double but it's worth a shot. I sprayed the mace at him… Little did I know is that I hit him with the mace and also Eli who I presume was coming to try and help. Things sp[un completely out of control from them and darkness took over.

When I woke up I was in the hospital. This place again? Darcy was sitting in a chair. She had on her New Year 's Eve party dress with a sparkly pair of heels. What happened to me? Did I have a seizure or something?

"Darcy, what happened?"

"You got roofied at the party you and Alli went to. The guy was trying to pull you away but you maced him and that Eli guy got hit in the crossfire trying to help you… Luckily though, Eli got a few witnesses once his sight came back and the guy was arrested. Turns out he had some warrants out for his arrest."

"I guess it was Eli to rescue again."

"Well you rescued yourself, he just helped."

"I feel like shit."

"You look like it too baby sister. What a way to start the New Year. I'm just so glad you are okay and that nothing happened to you."

"It's a wonderful way to start the New Year and me too…. Where is Alli?"

"She is in the waiting room. They said you could go home when you woke up."

"Good."

They ran a few more tests on me and then I got to go home. I took a long hot shower, I got in my fluffy pajamas and then Alli, Darcy and I had hot chocolate before going to sleep. I don't know whether to thank Eli or what.

Eli

"Eli there is nothing I can do about your swollen red eyes… That will go away with time."

"Lucia I look like a monster."

"I suggest you break out a pair of diva glasses and get over it… Now unless you are bleeding from a main artery or your airway is blocked get out of my ER."

"Fine fine fine… pushy."

I left and went back home. The house wasn't as big as mess as I thought it would be when people went wailing around trying to avoid Clare's dizzy mace spraying… Even though I got hit in the crossfire, I was proud of her for pepper spraying that roofier. Somebody called the cops when people ran out coughing and choking. Luckily only the villain was arrested. Turns out he had several warrants out for his arrest. They said Clare would be okay and my sister said I would survive too. Tonight certainly was an interesting way to ring in the new year. Let's hope things become a little more boring. All this excitement is making my now swollen eyes hurt. I'm sure sleep will help so I went to bed in the wee hours of the first day of the New Year.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =)**


	11. Chapter 11

Clare

"I'm a magnet for trouble Darcy. I don't need to be out in public. Bad things always happen to me."

"Clare, I know you might feel that way after all the things that happened to you…"

"I was bullied, raped and roofied at a party… What are the odds of all three of those happening to one person in one lifetime?""

"Clare, you can't stop living your life. If you don't live life then it's like you may as well add murder to that list."

"I'm scared."

"It's the movies…If anything goes wrong then you have your mace and the knife that Eli kid gave to you. You will be okay, and if you aren't call me."

"Okay."

I sat on the porch practically moping. Alli tricked me into coming. She didn't want to go out alone with Drew for some reason. He was driving for tonight's activities… It's hard to believe that his battle ax of a mother would give him keys to a vehicle. I guess stranger things have happened in this community though.

They arrived and I jumped in the back along with… Adam and Fiona? Alone huh… Alli has some serious explaining to do. It can wait until though. I just hate that I'm a fifth wheel. I'll be that awkward person not talking to anyone or doing anything when the couple-stuff starts. Does this constitute as something going wrong?

We got to the mall and everybody got out of the car. I walked slightly behind, in proper fifth wheel fashion. That was until I noticed a black hearse in the parking lot… even worse; the driver was standing by the mall's entrance. Eli… Have I been tricked, bamboozled, set up? Even though he's the last person I would like the see, I'm kind of glad he's here. At least now I won't be a pathetic fifth wheel.

"Evening everybody… Clare…"

"Hi Eli."

Everyone walked ahead and I was about to follow until he grabbed my wrist. Great, what could he possibly need to tell me now? Is he going to give me another knife or maybe a taser gun this time?

"Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Clare, you know what I mean…"

"Oh that… I've just figured out I'm a magnet for bad guys but… other than that I'm fine."

"You do seem to attract them… Um, if you were fully conscious you would have gotten to enjoy the macing you gave to me."

"I meant to apologize to you… and thank you I guess."

"Apology accepted and no thanks necessary…So how did they trick you on this circus of an outing?"

"Alli told me she didn't want to go out with Drew alone."

"Adam told me the same thing about Fiona."

"We've been set up I guess…"

"Wanna ditch them?"

"I don't kn…"

"I mean, just see a different movie than them. The new Saw/ Final Destination flick is going to be lame."

"Well, they said Dane Cook's new movie is funny."

"Great…"

I can't believe this is happening. I'm going to a movie with Eli… He looked kind of sad though. Plus, I'm not in the mood to see all the smootching that's going to go on in that theatre with those four love birds.

Eli bought the tickets and the popcorn and drinks…I guarded my drink with my life. I guess I'm still a little gun-shy after what happened at the party. The movie started and the pop corn eating began. Before I knew it, the large tub was gone and both our hands collided while digging around in the tub. We both immediately pulled our hands back, as if we shocked each other. My heart started beating out of my chest liked somebody scared me or something.

When the movie was over, we came out to see that the lovely couples were all sitting in the food court eating pizza. We joined them… Alli asked me to go with her to the bathroom. I went and then we had a little chat.

"I thought you didn't like Eli?"

"I don't, but it beats watching you suck face with Drew all night. When were you going to tell me you wouldn't be alone with Drew?"

"Clare don't kill me…This date was planned for a while and I wanted you to come, and Adam wanted Eli to come so we sort of made up the lies so that you two would come and we figured you'd keep each other company… We didn't know you two would go off together and totally leave us alone, I needed you."

"Why?"

"I had to go to the restroom by myself during the movie."

"Fiona was there."

"She was kissing Adam."

"Big whoop, I go to the bathroom by myself all the time."

"Okay okay, so maybe I just wanted you there…just because I wanted you there."

"How incredibly selfish… I forgive you."

"Thanks best friend. So do you and Eli get along now? I mean I know how you feel about him."

"I think we are civil towards each other now."

"Just civil… You looked too odd… Did something happen?"

"No."  
"Okay. Sure…"

So Alli didn't believe me. I still know what I know. After pizza and ice cream Drew, Fiona and Adam wanted to go back to her Fi's loft and I guess take their make out party a little further. Alli really wanted to go. I could tell because he eyes were pleading but she was willing to take me home first which would throw off the kissing schedule.

"Alli, you go with them. Um, Eli will take me home."

"You mean it? I mean…are you sure Clare?"

"I'm sure. Have fun… don't"

"Thanks!"

Eli agreed and then the bunch of raging, horny teenagers left the mall. I sat by the fountain and let my fingertips skim the surface of the water. Eli sat down beside me, but at a close distance.

"So where do you live now?"

"How did you know I moved?"

"Well I went by your old house one morning and you weren't walking and…no fresh injuries."

"Oh. I live with my sister now."

"That's great. Is your mom getting help?"

"No."

"Oh, bummer. Well Eli's taxi service will ensure you get home safely… Let's go, the meter is running."

"Okay."

I sat in the cold hearse and he turned on the heat. I directed him on how to get to my new place. When we got there he parked in front of the house and he asked me to stay in the car a little longer. He said he had something to show me. I readied my mace for use…

"Put that stuff away. I just wanted to show you this…"

He handed me two certificates… One was for sensitivity training and the other was for sexual harassment training. Wow, they really put him through the workshops… I handed them back to him and I then I looked for the words to say.

"So… Ms. Suave huh?"

"Who else?"

"She's tough on you… I have to do something I liked to do before…all this."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

"You only have a week before school starts back. You know if she thinks you aren't taking it seriously she will increase your time."

"I know."

"This is totally random but… it's noisy over here."

"Yeah, the neighbors party a lot. They are nice though…"

"Here."

"Headphones?"

"Noise cancelling headphones…"

"Oh… Thanks."

"Will you… be online later?"

"Maybe."

"Okay."

Eli

I looked up in the sky to make sure a huge asteroid wasn't heading our way. Was it me, or did I just have a rational and halfway pleasant conversation with Clare Edwards? I went home and I needed somebody to tell about this breakthrough. Adam came to mind, but I'm willing to bet he's still making smooch face with Fiona.

I needed to talk to someone, even if it was to Clare. I guess you can say I'm… wired up. I showered and got online. As soon as I did I saw that she was online too… What should I say? Hmmm…

"**Hi."**

"**Hello."**

"**So you aren't sleepy either?"**

"**It's only ten…"**

"**Right… Any more plans?"**

"**No, I'm pretty much settled in for the night."**

"**Great… Me too."**

"**Are you bored or something?"**

"**Yeah."**

"**Oh… Well, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is on TV."**

"**No shit? I love that one it's totally creepy."**

"**Yeah, I saw it but I didn't turn to it because I don't like watching it at night."**

"**Afraid the oompa loompa's will get you?"**

"**Maybe…"**

"**Ready for school in a week?"**

"**No."**

"**Did you know Fitz got expelled?"**

"**No, what happened?"**

"**When Coach Armstrong caught us fighting that last time he had a knife to my throat…"**

"**Eli!"**

"**What?"**

"**You could have died or something…"**

"**I'm not scared to die Clare."**

"**Why?"**

"**Because it's something I'll have to do one day."**

"**Even before you get to really live?"  
"There's nobody to live for anymore anyway."**

"**Do I need to call Ms. Suave?"**

"**No, lol, I was just… never mind… Hey been thinking about what you are going to do yet?"**

"**No. Well yes… Sort of it's stupid."**

"**No it's not. What is it?"**

"**I want to paint something."**

"**Go for it."**

"**Easier said than done… I'm getting kind of tired."**

"**Okay, ttyl."**

_Thanks for reading. Please leave a review_


	12. Chapter 12

Clare

I sat beside Darcy on the couch and a couple things crossed my mind. First off, I thought about that stupid project Ms. Suave was expecting me to do. She wants proof of it too. Second, I thought about the fact that I haven't even gotten the supplies to start on a painting, nor do I have a picture in mind. Maybe I will pick something else. The silence makes me put too much emphasis on that stupid project. I'm sure it won't help me in the least.

There was suddenly a knock on the door. Who could this be? With my luck it's probably a robber, coming to take the possessions we have or worse, the grim reaper coming to steal my life away. Darcy opened the door and I heard the familiar voice conversing with her. It was Eli, what was he doing here?

"Clare, Eli says he's here to help you with a project you two were assigned."

"What?"

"Remember Clare, that project for… Ms. Dawes class."

"Oh, that project."

I noticed that Eli had a canvas and an array of paints in his hands. I guess he was going to ensure that I done the little project, even if it meant overseeing me. I wonder why this is so important to him. We went to the kitchen so that we wouldn't disturb Darcy while she watched the movie.

"So, what is up with this?"

"I knew you hadn't done this yet so I decided to make you."

"How lucky of me. Sorry to disappoint you but I don't really have the painter's spirit tonight."

"Yes you do… Come on. Paint something, anything…me or this basket of fruit."

"Now why would I put you on canvas Eli?"

"Because I'm gorgeous that's why."

"Okay, you want to be painted, then I will paint you."

I started painting Eli. It wasn't the picture he'd probably envisioned though. I painted him as a little emo character like pon and zi. The little character had Eli's traits but no legs. I did however manage to sneak in a pocket chain and I gave the cartoon and extremely large head. Seeing his face when he lays eyes on this is going to be funny. In addition to the extremely unflattering picture I added a background which consisted of unicorns, rainbows, flowers and hearts along with a caption bubble that I simple filled in with squiggles. When my comical masterpiece was complete I turned it around so that he could see it.

"You're making fun of me in this aren't you? You could have at least given me legs!"

"Sorry, that's not how I see you."

"You don't see me with legs?"

"Okay, I just wanted to leave them off."

"Even more disturbing than the fact that I'm a legless blobby thing, is the fact that my background has rainbows, unicorns, flowers, hearts ad a puppy in it."

"You shouldn't have gotten me the materials if you were just going to talk bad about my masterpiece."

"Did you give it a pocket chain?"

"Yes, you have one and he is you Eli. What's the matter? Don't you like him?"

"Be glad I vowed to never bully you again or this would qualify you for a pounding."

"I will make sure I count my blessings."

"Other than the fact that you turned me into a sissified mushroom thingy… It's really good."

"Thanks."

"How long have you painted."

"Since I was ten."

"Neat."

"So, I have to show Ms. Suave the painting as proof or whatever…but after that you could keep it if you want. There's not much use for it here."

"You mean you aren't going to burn it and dance around the fire?"

"Funny, no… I'd never burn a painting, especially not such an accurately depicted one."

"You really enjoyed that didn't you?"

"Now that you mention it… I guess I did. Stupid Ms. Suave, that means she was right."

"You know the Suave never lies."

"Guess not… Oh um, how much do I owe you?"

"For what? Totally giving me an inhumanly disproportionate head?"

"No, for the canvas and the paints?"

"Oh, that was on me. Don't even worry about it. Now we have to find out how you are going to apologize to me for this picture."

"You are really upset aren't you?"

"Yes… I think my self esteem may have actually taken a blow. I look like a wad of mucus with hair and clothes."

"I'll tell you what, after I show Ms. Suave the painting you can burn it and dance around the fire."

"You can count on it."

The fact that Eli bought over the materials for the little painting project made things easy but the fact that he gave me comical inspiration to get the stupid thing done made things even easier. He left after the painting, and his rant about the painting, was done. After he was gone I put the painting in a safe place to dry and then I went and sat next to Darcy on the couch. She was now watching another movie. Not even the interesting opening of this film could keep her from asking questions though.

"So…"

"So what?"

"So, I heard you laughing. It's been so long since I've heard a real laugh from you. What happened?"

"I just painted a picture that pissed him off. It was kind of funny to me to get under his skin."

"Uh huh…"

"Darcy don't do that."

"Do what? Say uh huh?"

"Yes, don't say uh huh. It's sounds so suggestive."

"Maybe it is. You like him don't you?"

"No. I almost think he's okay but I just can't like him yet."

"Yet, so there is hope?"

"Not really. I don't know. I don't know what I do know and what I don't know anymore."

"That's okay too… I know how, he made you feel and what he done."

"Yeah. It could have been worse though."

"Did he get in trouble?"

"He turned himself in and went through sexual harassment and sensitivity training."

"Uh huh."

"Darcy stop it!"

"What! I just said uh huh."

"I'm going to leave."

"Then you will miss the double meat, double cheese pizza with ice cold cokes Peter is bringing."

"Well I will stay for the pizza but after that I'm moving out."

"Okay… I heard from mom today."

"You did?"

"Yeah… I wish I could say I had good news."

"What kind of news is it?"

"She might be in trouble with the law. Drug peddling and a lot of messy business."

"Wow, well what is she going to do?"

"She's dead set on fleeing town even though she claims it was her boyfriend's doing and not hers. He'd probably confess to that and if he did then she wouldn't be to blame at all but I don't think her hands are completely clean."

"You don't?"

"No. As bad as I want to believe that mom is innocent, most of me knows that she's not the same woman who raised me and that lets me know that she's capable of it."

"Oh."

"Enough gloomy talk though. I have a surprise for you."

"What?"

"What if I told you that dad's latest girlfriend owns a boutique full of cute clothes and a hair salon and as belated Christmas presents she's giving us a spree in her store with a wash and style from her salon?"

"Then I would say that's great. When?"

"Tomorrow… I kind of wanted to surprise you. In time for school too."

"School, yay, in three days…"

Eli

"Adam I am telling you, the thing looked fucking deformed. No wonder she won't get near me. That is how she pictures me."

"Okay, this is way too funny. You are worked up over a painting that you forced her to paint. I have to see it for myself. So it really looked like a mushroom mucus thing?"

"Yes!"

"At least you put a smile on her face."

"I don't think she's ever laughed that hard, at least not while I was watching."

"I have to see this work of art."

"Trust me dude, you don't. You will never look at me the same way."

"Trust me dude, I do… where are you even at anyway?"

"Home. Where else would I be? I went by the hospital to visit with Lucia but she was busy tonight and she kicked me out of the ER like always."

"Yeah, because your sister who is a doctor has time to hear your rant about a painting while she's removing knives from skulls and bullets from ass cheeks."

"Okay, I get it… she's busy. What are you doing dude?"

"Well before you started sulking I was going to invite you to this awesome party Fiona is throwing."

"What kind of party?"

"A hook up party."

"What? You and Fiona? I thought she wasn't looking for anything physical."

"She is now and so am I. She knows all about… well…you know. I think it's time."

"Who all is there?"

"Drew and Alli, KC and Jenna, though I think they've hooked up enough and some cheerleader named Marisol."

"Pass."

"Oh wait, is that Clare coming through the door?"

"For real?"

"Yeah, she's wearing jeans and a top."

"Be more specific."

"It's white and polka dotted."

"Adam are you fucking with me?"

"I really almost had you dude!"

"Asshole! I can't believe I almost fell for that one… I won't be at the party but you have fun losing the big V though."

"You bet I will dude. Though I will say that you don't know what you are missing. I hear from the football team that Marisol knows how to do things with her tongue that would put even the most high profile porn stars to shame."

"Still I will pass… Not really into roughly used ,run through things."

"Alright alright… Smell ya later!"

"Bye dude."

Since there was nothing else to do I took a shower and I went to sleep. That was the plan at least. I was stricken with a horrible case of insomnia and instead of blowing zzz's I tossed and turned. Eventually I got up, got on the computer and prayed for someone interesting to be on chat. Lucky for me, Clare was on too. I guess I wasn't the only one plagued with restlessness tonight.

"**Hello again, still laughing at that mess you call a painting?"**

"**I am. It's funny."**

"**Is that what people call it these days?"**

"**Are you really that mad?"**

"**No. I just like being dramatic. Why are you up?"**

"**Well the pizza I ate earlier is giving me heartburn and I'm not one hundred percent but I'm pretty sure my sister and her boyfriend are getting it on. Something is squeaking."**

"**That's a sure sound of love making. So I heard something about you."**

"**What?"**

"**I heard you were waiting until marriage to have sex."**

"**Yes I am… I was until the incident."**

"**Then you are still waiting?"**

"**What's it to you?"**

"**Just curious."**

"**Yes, I'm still waiting. I heard something about you too."**

"**What?"**

"**Is it true you got sent to boot camp, got kicked out of boarding school and that you have three children."**

"**I don't have any children, I did go to boot camp when I was younger and before we moved here yes I did get kicked out of boarding school for sending around an embarrassing video of the headmaster. It went viral and he went crazy. My parents were not thrilled."**

"**Interesting."**

"**Seriously, three kids? Who said that?"**

"**There has been talk."**

"**Oh."**

"**So I must admit I'm a little surprised that you aren't at the hook up party over at Fiona's."**

"**Nah. Not really my type of shindig."**

"**Oh."**

"**Why aren't you there?"**

"**Alli knows how I feel about things like that. Plus she knows I'm waiting."**

"**Cool."**

"**So this is really stupid but… my sister Darcy invited you to dinner tomorrow. She liked the picture I painted too and since she didn't get a good look at you she wants to compare."**

"**Great, the horror is spreading. I'll be there. I love to eat."**

"**Well…good I guess. Talk to you later. Be here at seven."**

"**On the dot. Goodnight."**

Clare invited me to dinner. I can't believe this happened. Well, I guess her sister Darcy technically invited me, but who cares? I was invited to dinner at their house and Clare will be there. I wonder what's on the menu?

**Thanks for reading. Please leave a review? =D**


	13. Chapter 13

Clare

"I've been to jail son, I know how to do things that can cause you pain."

"Peter! You were arrested and put on house arrest. Stop trying to scare Eli. He knows that if he ever hurts, embarrasses or displeases Clare in some way again we will have his thumbs broken an hour before we have him assassinated."

"I know that now…"

"Great, want some pie?"

"Why? Does it have cyanide in it?"

"No just peaches… and love."

"Sure."

I should have guessed that as soon as I excused myself to go to the bathroom Darcy and Peter would threaten Eli. I kind of enjoyed seeing him sweat though, he looked rather scared. It probably didn't help that Darcy was holding a craving knife in her hand while Peter was giving him the look of death. Eli Goldsworthy broke a sweat.

I went back to my seat when the smoke cleared. Darcy brought out the pie, it smelled delicious. It's funny how she makes it seem like she made it from scratch when in reality it's a Marie Callender pie she brought from the store. All she done was bake it and put it on a plate with ice cream and a dollop of whipped topping. I guess it doesn't really matter that much though, good pie is good pie. When dessert was done it was time for Eli to go.

"So, I uh, heard they roughed you up."

"Yeah, I'm shaking in my boots."

"I can see."

"So, school starts back tomorrow."

"Yup."

"Want me to pick you up?"

"No, I'll walk."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I like the walking. Having twenty minutes of cold air blowing against my face makes me feel alive."

"Oh, okay. Well, tell Darcy once again I said thanks for the lovely meal."

"She's more than likely peeping out the window, she probably read your lips but I will relay the message anyway."

"Cool, well… see you tomorrow?"

"…maybe."

"Okay."

I went back in the house where Peter and Darcy were in a loving embrace. I decided to give them some private time, so I went to my room. I changed into my pajamas and I cuddled up under the sheets. When I went to sleep I realized that this wouldn't be a peaceful night. I had a night terror. This time it was a different scene. I was at a party and I got roofied again, except instead of that random guy Fitz got hold of me again. I woke up to see Darcy and Peter standing over me shaking me .

"Clare, Shh, stop screaming and calm down. It was just a bad dream."

"What?"

"You were just having a nightmare."

After that I tried going back to sleep, but I just couldn't. My mind wouldn't let me. Every time I dozed off I'd have that falling sensation, so I woke up. Finally I just gave up on trying getting some shut eye that night. I got up and I got on the computer. Alli was on.

"**So, guess what I done last night?"**

"**Don't you mean who you done last night?"**

"**Funny…Drew and I had sex; I must say I was a little… disappointed."**

"**Why?"**

"**Well let's just say he isn't built and sturdy on every part of his body."**

"**You mean…"**

"**Yes!"**

"**Wow."**

"**Don't tell him I told you though."**

"**Does he even know it's a problem for you?"**

"**He was self conscious about it."**

"**Does he use it well?"**

"**About as well as a newborn baby can walk."**

"**Wow…well…"**

"**It's things like this that make me wish I was waiting until marriage. No offense."**

"**None taken."**

"**Why are you even up Saint Clare?"**

"**Night terror, Backwoods Bhandari."**

"**Oh, about…that?"**

"**Yes, about…that."**

"**Maybe try Lunesta?"**

"**You really think they would give them to someone with my history?"**

"**Oh, right. Well, I'm about to go to bed. See you tomorrow. Meet me in front to help me avoid Drew?"**

"**Sure, why not?"**

I watched old music videos and read fan fiction until my alarm clock went off. I didn't even try to go back to sleep. It would have been pointless and I didn't even want to waste the effort. I got up, feeling sluggish and heavy eyed. I went to the shower and let the hot water wake me up a little. A little was all it done too, I left out of the bathroom still feeling sluggish.

I grabbed my back pack, pop tarts and the painting. Darcy must already be at the Dot because I don't hear her rattling around to get ready. It was sunny outside today but the wind was blowing.

The winter wind hit my face and it felt like needles were prickling my skin. The cold air brought tears to my eyes and it made my sinuses burn. If this didn't wake me up, nothing would. It didn't, I guess it was my day to be a zombie.

I made it to school and I placed the painting in Ms. Suave's office so that I wouldn't have to wag it around all day. After that I went to my locker where Alli was standing there looking kind of pissed.

"Oh, sorry Alli I forgot I was supposed to be meeting you."

"Yeah I guess you did."

"I apologize."

"It's not you I'm mad at Clare… He's doing it again."

"Who's doing what again?"

"Look behind you."

Drew was talking to Bianca. She flipped her long curly hair around while he hammed it up for her. She playfully hit him every now and again, letting her fingers linger just a little too long. They were flirting and Alli could see it. I didn't know what to say to her. I could barely tell left from right. The night without sleep was catching up with me.

I went into Ms. Dawes class and I lay my head on the desk. She came and stood beside me. She patted me on the back. I rose up to look her in the face.

"Clare, are you okay?"

"Fine Ms. Dawes just feeling a little ill."

"Oh dear, do you need to go to the nurse's office Clare?"

"No, I just need a powernap."

"Very well… I'm not going to start my lecture until every last person on the roster arrives and everyone should be late today seeing that it's the first day back from winter break. You have roughly ten minutes."

"Okay."

I woke up to a gentle tap on my shoulder. There was a pool of drool on the desk. I looked up to see Adam looking at me and laughing. I wiped the drool off of my face and the desk with a napkin from my pocket. I looked to the front of the classroom where Ms. Dawes was giving her lecture. Needless to say, I nodded through the entire class. Even that extended nap wasn't enough to keep me afloat though. I nodded through all of my classes. At lunch I went to the library and I went to sleep. If I hear the tardy bell I will go to class, if I don't well then… the nap will be worth getting detention.

Eli

I looked around trying to find Clare. Maybe she didn't come to school today, but I doubt that she would miss it because she gets to show Ms. Suave that ugly picture of me that she painted. I sat beside Adam in the lunchroom. He was texting Fiona who was apparently treating herself to a pampered day of hooky.

"Dude you are whipped."

"You're just mad because you aren't getting any."

"Adam, shut up."

"Maybe you are for all I know. Clare was pretty tired in class today. She could barely keep her eyes open."

"Since when do you take art?"

"Since I transferred into the class."

"I wonder why she's so tired. Any clue where she is now?"

"Yeah, no… Unlike you Eli I'm not stalking her waiting for a chance to play superman."

"I'd rather be Spiderman thanks."

"Whatever dude, I haven't see her. Who knows, my guess is that she's gone to a quiet place to sleep."

"You are a genius."

I went to the library and there Clare was, knocked out at one of the tables. She wasn't snoring but she was definitely sleeping. I guess I just needed to see that she was here today or something… I left and went back to the cafeteria.

Clare

Well, I slept through my last class of the day. Luckily I didn't get slapped with a detention. I don't even know if they noticed I was gone. I went to Ms. Suave's warm office. The feeling of drowsiness hit me again. She wouldn't let me blow z's on her though. I could tell by the look on her face that she was ready to talk.

"So Clare, I see you done what I asked. You liked to paint?"

"Yes."

"So when doing it did you feel any different?"

"Not really…"

"What were your feelings while painting before your rape?"

"I was happy."

"Were you happy while painting this?"

"Yes."

"Let's examine the artwork shall we? What is it?"

"It's um… a guy only as a little emo cartoon like pon and zi."

"I'm not familiar with those characters. Who is the guy?"

"Just a guy."

"Oh I see… Do you feel comfortable revealing his name?"

"Elijah."

"Oh, Eli… So have you forgiven Elijah for the teasing and touching?"  
"Almost."

"It's understandable that the road to forgiveness is long. He deserves to work to have even an ounce of your trust back. What made you paint him of all people?"

"Well, he bought the materials and told me to paint him, so I figured I'd give him what he wanted while giving myself a little kick."

"This gives me an idea. Next weekend there is going to be a cluster of events all raising awareness about rape and sexual harassment. There will be a 10 mile marathon, a silent auction to raise money and several different seminars and women telling their real stories as well as on site resources…  
"Let me guess…"

"There will be an art showcase where victims of rape can show their work. I think it would be a good idea for you to paint something. I also think it would be a good idea if you and Eli entered in the marathon as partners."

"What's in it for me?"  
"I'll cut you down to only twice a week."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"You'll tell Eli about this?"

"Yes. So what other things happened during your break?"

"I was roofied."

"That's horrible Clare."

"Nothing happened though, they caught the guy. He roofied a lot of other girls too…Nobody reported rape though."

"Let's talk about that Clare. Has this set you back emotionally any? How do you feel?"

"Honestly, empowered a little… Before he could get his hands on me and before the dugs completely knocked me out ,I maced him pretty damn good…."

"Clare I usually don't encourage weapon use but if mace is what it takes for you to feel like you can be your own hero, then by all means carry it. I just have a question, what happens when you don't have mace?"

"I haven't thought about that."

"Maybe look into some other ways of empowering yourself Clare so that you never have to be anyone's victim again."

"Okay."

After the therapy session I gathered my painting and bid Ms. Suave goodbye. I wondered what I'd gotten myself into until Eli appeared out of nowhere and scared me. I jumped hard and I dropped the painting.

"Geez Eli! You almost scared me to death."

"Sorry, you didn't honestly think I would let you leave without getting that monstrosity on canvas did you? Hand it over."

"I changed my mind. It makes me laugh when I look at it. I kind of want to keep it."

"Oh no, you promised I could burn it."

"Well it won't be bothering you if you don't burn it. I will only bring it out for the occasional tee hee."

"I don't trust you, how am I supposed to know that this isn't some plot for vengeance? You might put it online or something."

"I won't. You have bigger problems."

"Like what? Like the fact that you still haven't stabbed me in the arm like I asked you too."

"You're still on that?"

"Yes."

"You really want me to don't you?"  
"Yes."

"No."

"Seriously consider it… What were you about to tell me though?"

"Ms. Suave has kind of…well she… How are your running skills?"

"What?"

"Ms. Suave thinks we should run a marathon to raise awareness about rape."

"What?"

"You heard me Eli, a marathon."

"Do I look like I would run a marathon to you?"

"Do I look like I would either? Point is, if we do this I get less time and you probably would too."

"You don't say? I guess I could run a couple miles. Want a ride home?"

"Well…"

"Hey, no pressure. I could walk you home instead."

"Walk me home?"

"Yeah, it's getting dark and you know the freaks come out at night."

"I have my ma…"

"Yeah yeah you have your mace, just let me be a guy and walk you home?"

"Well, alright. Since you put it that way we can take Morty."

"Great, I have an idea."

"About what?"

"You could take a picture of the painting and keep that to get your jollies and I could take the original."

"You really hate it don't you?"

"Yes."

"Fine…"

"Great, I have a Polaroid."

"You go around with a Polaroid camera?"

"Yes."

Eli took a picture of the painting and he gave the exposure to me. It turned out and it still looked funny. He took the original painting. Only god knows what he will do with it. He dropped me off and I started thinking about what I would paint for the awareness weekend.

Eli

I got home all in an uproar, ready to set fire to the painting but something wouldn't let me. So instead I put the matches and lighter fluid away and I mounted the thing to the wall of my walk in closet. It's a little piece of her, or at least that's how I see it.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =D**


	14. Chapter 14

Clare

It felt like I was going to die. I haven't run this hard in so long. I knew I should have trained for this marathon but no... Eli said it would be fine, but he lied to me and now it feels like I'm having a heart attack. Sure he is used to running from gunfire and jumping fences but I'm sort of... not as active as he is. The marathon was for ten miles but I had to check out after four. I think that's good considering the circumstances. Plus, they have the signup fee, that helps right? I moved to the side of the road and as soon as my feet stopped moving the vomit started flowing. Eli jogged over to me; he looked as comfortable as ever.

"Clare are you okay?"

"Eli, I cannot go on."

"We are almost halfway there."

"Eli I can't! I'm tired and I can't breathe."

"Clare we can do this."

"No, I can't run all the way."

"So we can walk."

"You can't walk a marathon."

"Says who?"

"Well…okay."

Eli and I walked the rest of the marathon. I must admit that I was slightly disturbed by the fact that Eli wasn't as sweaty or winded as I was, but I guess that's what I get for letting myself get so out of shape.

We came in last. I guess it's a good thing this wasn't really a race type of marathon. We got back to Morty and I fell into the hearse. It felt like my legs were going to fall off. I was in serious need of a nap before the art showcase tonight. The picture I painted was a little dark but there is nothing bright and sunny about being raped. It feels like you are in darkness, being suffocated by it and bound by it. That is why I painted a picture of a river of darkness swallowing a girl, I gave the river hands and it pulled her, or at least that's what I meant for it to look like. I hope people seen the message that way.

Eli dropped me off at my house. Darcy was ironing her clothes for the event tonight. I thought it would be a good idea if she came along too because of what happened to her. It could be good for us both. I jumped into the shower and let the gross sweat and dirt come off of me and go down the drain. I washed my hair and then I felt clean again. I got out of the shower and I wrapped myself in a robe. I went into the kitchen and I had a bowl of cereal. Running that race has left me starved!

I was only able to take a one hour nap before I had to get ready for the showcase and speech. I threw a few curls into my hair and I put on a simple pink dress. It stopped above the knee. With it I wore a black sweater with black flats. Heels were out of the picture because my legs already felt like Jello.

Peter was our ride to this event. We went in and I looked at all the different artworks. Some were paintings, some were sculptures and some were poems, blown up and put on the wall for everyone to read. All of the art was beautiful. Some of it was scary but I could relate to it all. I was reading this poem that was about the night terrors… It particularly caught my attention because I still have them often. A little less lately, but they are not completely gone.

"Hi. Like the poem?"

"Huh, oh…yeah I do."

"What do you think it's about?"

"Nightmares and night terrors."

"Are you…a victim?"

"Yes, you?"

"Yes, I actually wrote this poem. I'm Lilly."

"Hi Lilly. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too."

"Do you have any work being displayed?"

"Yeah, it's a painting. Lake of darkness…"

"Oh, cool, I just got done looking at that. I really liked it."

"Thanks."

Lilly and I had a nice conversation. Darcy was off talking to someone else for the time being. Suddenly Eli appeared out of nowhere. He had on a suit vest and tie with slacks. I greeted him and introduced him to Lilly. We continued our conversation and then it was time for the speech. Everyone moved towards the auditorium.

"So Clare you mean you aren't in a wheelchair?"

"Funny, you aren't jogging another ten miles?"

"Funnier. You look pretty."

"Um thanks I guess…"

"So you made a friend?"

"Lilly? Well, she seems nice and she and I do share a trauma but… I wouldn't call her a friend just yet."

"Oh."

Eli

That marathon today kicked my ass! Though it was tough I made it look like I wasn't about to collapse and go into cardiac arrest. I don't think I have ever been that sweaty in my life! After I showered the salt stood in my tub. It's a wonder I was ever able to get clean.

Clare doesn't know it but I've been here at this art showcase for a long time. I looked at her work and some of the other girls. I didn't know Clare could do something that looked so…dark. Then again, rape isn't bright and sunny. I was going to commend Clare on the painting but she was talking with a friend. When I saw her though I had to compliment her. She looks amazing.

The speaker started to…speak. She told about her experience and she also talked about awareness and the power of reaching out. She spoke about how much this festival helps raise awareness and she also gave out some numbers for help hotlines. Clare seemed a little out of it, but I didn't want to pry so I just let her stay in her train of thought.

**I know it is short and I'm sorry but please leave a review. Thank you for reading!**


	15. Chapter 15

Clare

"It made me sad that so many people had been sexually assaulted but it made me feel like I wasn't alone."

"That's great Clare. Now I will keep my end of the bargain. Tuesday and Thursdays at lunchtime only."

"Great…"

I left Ms. Suave's office. This is the last afterschool session I will have. I started out the door. Lucky me… it's pouring down rain. As I was walking out I heard heavy footsteps behind me. Something told me to panic while something else told me not to because when I turned around I saw that it was only Eli. He smiled when our eyes met. I stopped walking and he caught up to me.

"So is your time reduced?"

"Yes, it is."

"Great so would you be up for a burger?"

"mmm…."

"I get it, you don't have to come."

"Shut up, I'm thinking."

"Oh, my bad."

"I guess that would be okay."

"I won't bite, I swear and if I get out of line you'll just mace me like a motherfucker anyway."

We ran to Morty who was a great shield from the pouring rain. We got some burgers and fries from McDonald's and then we sat in the car and ate. We talked too and dark secrets came out of Eli.

"Yeah, she um…died… I killed her."

"What!"

"I was just learning how to drive. It was raining and the roads were slick. We had a wreck and she went through the windshield. She died and it was my fault."

"Eli, you didn't really kill her."

"I only had a permit to learn. I didn't even have a license. I should have known better… I don't need to get close to anyone ever again."

"Eli that's stupid."

"Is it really?"

"Yes… "

"I'm being selfish right now."

"What? How?"

"Clare I shouldn't be bonding with you."

"Why?"

"Because you will only die. When I first saw you something about you made me want you but I knew that I had to find a way to push you away…."  
"That's why you… bullied me?"

"I should take you home."

"Eli, this is the first time we are having a real conversation without me having a weird flashback or anything and you want to end it prematurely?"

"I should just get you back before the rain begins again!"

"No! Fuck it, I will walk."

I got out of the car and Eli chased after me. He grabbed my wrist and I turned around to look at him. The rain suddenly started pouring and it didn't take long for us to be completely drenched. We stood there looking at each other, with him still holding my wrist.

"Clare I have feelings for you, I had them when I was even still being mean to you. I just wanted to push you away before you even had a chance to see me as a good guy. I just don't want to end up hurting another person I care about."

"Eli you didn't kill her and you already hurt me so it's too late for that."

"What can I do?"

"Nothing can erase what you done and nothing ever will but I'm learning to move on and try to forgive. You should work on that too."

Eli surprised me by grabbing my face and kissing me. His lips tasted like raindrops and his kiss took my breath away. His hands felt like they were burning my face because they were the only warm thing touching me… My entire body started to feel hot. We were on fire in the middle of a rainstorm.

We got back in Morty and we sat there for hours in silence watching the rain. The drops hitting the car made a relaxing sound. Night came soon and we still sat there. I texted Darcy to let her know I was okay. This was nice, just sitting her like this. Not saying anything or doing anything. Just sitting in the car was nice.

When Darcy texted me and told me it was getting late Eli took me home. Surprisingly by that time the rain had gone away again and the stars had come out. I saw her peep through the blinds. Eli got out of the car, prepared to walk me to the door. I leaned up against Morty and so did Eli.

"So Clare, are we dating?"

"Well we can date but…I wouldn't say you are my boyfriend. I want to spend time with you but it's going to take a while for me to jump into a relationship."

"Okay, that's totally fine. I need some time too… Um, coffee tomorrow afterschool? It would totally suck to have to be Adam and Fiona's third wheel again."

"Sure that sounds…fun."

I kissed Eli on the cheek and then I went into the house. Darcy was standing there with her arms crossed. She had a sneaky smile on her face with one brow raised. I sat down on the couch and she sat beside me. I told her everything that happened.

"Well after you two have coffee tomorrow bring him over for dinner… Peter is cooking Italian. Now that you and Eli are love interests I need to get to know him better…see what his intentions are for you."

"Sure Darcy… I'll invite him."

I went into the bathroom and I showered. The hot water was a relief to my chilly skin. I stayed in the shower until the hot water turned warm then I got out and put on my warm flannel pajamas. I didn't have any homework because I'd done it all at school. My bed was calling my name. I closed my eyes and as luck would have it when I drifted off to sleep I had a nightmare about…Fitz. Luckily this one didn't leave me screaming out or crying. I slept through the night but I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart racing. At least I slept until my alarm went off.

I took a shower and I got dressed. I grabbed my bag and then I went into the kitchen where Darcy was scrambling for keys and her cell phone. I tossed her the keys, which I found on the breakfast island.

"So have a good day at school, make me proud and stay away from those cigarettes."

"Yeah because I'm a pack a day smoker."

"Ha, bye."

"Bye."

I left after eating a pop tart. The walk to Degrassi was pleasant. It was sunny and a little warm with cold wind. It's not a bad day to be out walking. When I got to the school I went in and I went straight to my locker. I saw magnets on it that spelled out the word "Beautiful." I tried not to smile or blush as I removed them from the outside of my locker to the inside. Someone suddenly pinched my sides and I jumped. It was Alli.

"Well hello hello hello."

"Hi Alli."

"What happened? You face is redder than tomato soup."

"Nothing."

"You are blushing. Why? Good or bad?"

"Good."

"Clare come on, we have to talk! I have so much to tell you and you clearly have a lot to tell me."

"Okay. Well… Eli and I kissed yesterday."

"WHAT! So is he like forgiven now?"

"Nearly. He put "beautiful" on my locker in magnets."

"Awww that is so sweet. That is more than I can say for my piece of shit boyfriend."

"Eli's not my boyfriend. We are taking things slow. Labels just make things messy."

"Well look at you getting back in the swing of things. I wish my news was just as good."

"Well what is going on?"

"Clare, I'm pregnant by Drew."

"Oh my god, what are you going to do?"

"Get an abortion tomorrow after school. I know you don't approve but it would mean a lot if I had a friend right now. I told Jenna and she got all judgmental on me even after I was there for her when she and KC got pregnant."

"I'm here for you Alli. Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, it's going to just be my mom with me. I don't want you to see me in that bad shape."

"Alli I'm your friend no matter what shape you are in."

"It would be nice to be able to talk to you after the procedure. Come to my house around eight and spend the night?"

"Sure."

"Thanks… The fucked up part is that I told Drew about this all and he just said "cool"… Who the fuck says that about abortion?"

"A jerk off."

"A real jerk off, that's why I'm telling him today after school that we are officially done."

"Good for you."

"Thanks."

I went to class and Ms. Dawes decided to go easy on us today by showing us some old "joys of painting" videos. That guy's voice is very relaxing. In fact I could have fallen asleep listening to him right then.

Eli

This school day is long. I guess because I'm looking forward to it being over. This last class is about to kill me. I'm ready to go hang with my friends and Clare. I didn't get to sit with her in English today because I came in late and she had therapy at lunch so it's like I haven't seen her all day. I did watch her from afar this morning while she looked at the magnets. She blushed and she fought a smile. I made her smile. She didn't throw these magnets away like she done the ones with horrid messages. These magnets she kept. She put them on the inside of her locker. I was going to go speak but Alli beat me to her so I figured they needed to have girl talk or whatever.

The bell rang and I left the building. When I got out to Morty I was shocked to see Clare already there, sitting on Morty's hood. She looked radiant and beautiful. She didn't look depressed and her thoughts didn't seem to be drifting in some dark abyss. She looked bright.

"Hello hello."

"Hi, I ditched class… I had a date with your car."

"Well he does have a way with the ladies…"

"So…my sister wants you to come to dinner again tonight. It's okay if you turn her down."

"No I'd like that. My mom is on some kind of vegan diet and she's punishing us all."

"Great."

"So my lady, to the Dot?"

"Sure."

We both got in the car and we went to the Dot. I was surprised to see Adam and Fiona already there sharing bagel chips and dip. They looked surprised to see Clare with me. Adam made an eye signal to me that let me know I had some explaining to do. I don't mind, I could talk about Clare forever.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =P**


	16. Chapter 16

Clare

"Darcy please."

"No Clare, let me do this….we clear on that boy?"

"Um, yes maam..."

"Alright. Now I suspect you and Clare will want to go out and have some ice cream."

"Ice cream sounds nice, Clare?"

"Sure."

So dinner with Eli, Peter and Darcy took a turn for the crazy. Darcy threatened Eli again. Funny, it never ceases to amaze me how someone as small and bubbly as my sister can put fear into him of all people. We went to this ice cream place around the corner. I got vanilla with double rainbow sprinkles. It's been my absolute favorite since I was a kid.

"So my sister scares you?"

"Yes. She is fierce."

"Well… Be nice or I will sic her on you."

"I'm scared straight. So this dance Friday… you going?"

"I don't know, I might be staying with a friend to help her….deal with something."

"Oh okay. I was just wondering because if you wanted to go…with me…like as a friend or something I could rent a tux, steal a limo and roll out the red carpet."

"I will let you know but um… let's leave the tux out of this."

Eli and I talked and laughed over ice cream. This ice cream was so yummy! I wonder why I don't come here more often. Probably because I don't need ice cream all the time I guess. When we got outside to the parking lot the sight was shocking. Fitz was sitting on top of Morty. He looked menacing and like he was looking for trouble. I searched for my mace only to find that I'd left it in my jacket, which was inside the car. This is going to end badly. I can feel it. Just when I was getting so close to trying to live again… I'm probably going to be killed. Eli put his hand out and he stopped me from walking any further.

"Go back into the store Clare."

"Eli I can't leave you out here alone."

"Go!"

Eli

Fitz's knife was awfully sharp. I'll bet he had every intention of using it. As long as Clare is safe he can stab me all he wants. I accepted the fact that I would probably meet my fate out here in the parking lot of this ice cream shop. This would be the place where "that goth guy" died. This would be the place where my blood would stain the pavement. I'm ready to die.

Fitz and I circled each other. He had the knife in his hands and I was armed with…myself. He came at me first, trying to stab me, the knife slashed my arm but it didn't go in. I punched him in the face and he came at me again. This time the knife went into my other arm…All the way through. The blade was through the other side. Fitz looked shocked. He was trying to run but before he could the police arrived. Clare ran out. Tears were running down her face. I noticed how badly my arm was bleeding. Lucky for me I could hear the sirens of the ambulance and Fitz was going to jail. Clare and the owner of the ice cream shop witnessed to everything. I'm pressing charges. That should get him out of my hair for a while.

I had to go to the hospital to have the knife removed and I had to have some blood. Goldie couldn't treat me but she did check on me. I guess it's safe to say that she isn't going to keep this a secret from mom and dad. Clare stood by me the entire time. She was silent. I think she was in shock.

"Pull up a chair."

"Oh…I'm fine."

"What's wrong?"

"Are you really asking me that?"

"I got stabbed in the arm big deal, it could have been worse."

"Eli it could have been worse! You could have died!"

"I didn't die though Clare. Do you… care about me or something?"

"You are such an idiot."

"Clare cares about me…"

"No I don't. I was just concerned. Having a guy die in front of the ice cream shop would have been bad for its business."

"Uh huh… you were concerned and worried about me."

"Shut up or I will take away your transfusion bag."

"You know, you could always stab me through the other arm to even things up. The offer still stands."

"No thanks."

"So can the guy with a million stitches have a hug?"

"It's only because you are injured…"

"Yeah uh huh."

She gave me a hug and then she sat beside me. Goldie came in on her break and chatted with us. I never stop wondering who would give my sister of all people a scalpel. I guess everybody has a knack for something though. Darcy came and picked Clare up from the hospital. She and my sister even chatted a little. Clare kissed me on the cheek before she left for home. Even though there was a knife lodged in my arm a few hours ago, this day has still been nice.

Clare

I cannot believe Eli got stabbed tonight and I saw it! He could have died and it would have been my fault because he was protecting me and defending my honor. I would have been the reason Eli died. A million thoughts trampled through my head when I watched Fitz and Eli circle each other. The look Eli was wearing though was a fearless one. He looked so ready to die while I panicked inside with the ice cream guy.

After the long night I went and changed out of the semi- bloody clothes I was in. I took a shower to wash all the tension away and then I went to bed. Darcy was lenient and she decided to let me play hooky. I don't really think I could handle school today. I'm mentally overloaded. Even though Eli is fine, maybe a little too well, I just still can't get over the fact that death was right in our neighborhood. I woke up around noon to a text from Eli.

"**So you are playing hooky but I'm the one who got stabbed?"**

"**I needed a mental health day."**

"**Uh huh… Dot in twenty minutes?"**

"**Um, sure."**

" **=)"**

I got dressed and I threw my hair in a ponytail. When I got to the Dot he was standing there in front of Morty with that crooked smirk on his face. He looks awfully chipper for someone who had a knife through their arm and a blood transfusion less than twenty four hours ago. He grabbed me by the hand and spun me around. He is really chipper this today.

"Why are you so happy? You got stabbed last night."

"I'm not lingering on it. Plus I can make a shitload of cash on the meds they gave me for pain."

"Won't you need those?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I have a high threshold for pain."

"Selling drugs is illegal you know."

"Oh yeah because I totally forgot."

"Eli, I'm serious. It's not like you need the money."

"You are really against that aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then I will file the dumb pills away in the medicine cabinet. Have you eaten?"

"No, I'm actually just waking up."

"Wow you were really taking a break huh?"

"I told you, I was mentally overloaded."

"Come on I'll buy you lunch…I mean breakfast."

"Thanks but… I can buy it. You don't always have to pay when we hang out."

"I want to. It makes me feel like a man."

"Well if you insist."

"Great."

I ordered a burger with fries and a shake. Eli had the same. We talked until the food came. We talked a little bit about the past. I told him about the fact that I used to date KC. He looked shocked.

"What were you doing with that guy? I mean academically he's smart but the boy lacks common sense it seems."

"Hey KC was okay."

"So what happened?"

"Jenna stole him from me."

"Well lucky for me she did. Maybe I should get her a baby shower gift."

"You are so messed up Eli. So did you date anyone before um…Julia?"

"No. I was in too much trouble to make a relationship with anybody."

"Oh."

"I had a really case of bad rich kid syndrome. Goldie was worse than me though. She ended up in rehab and the thing that straightened me out was boot camp."

"Why did that change your mind?"

"It didn't really, it just made me change the way I did things… See before I didn't care if I got caught. I decided to be sneakier but that became too stressful so I just stopped acting out."

"Interesting."

"What about you Saint Clare, what was life for you like growing up?"

"Perfect."

"Well that is one hell of a description."

"My family and I had dinner every night and we watched movies every Saturday night then the next morning we'd go to church. The holidays were loud and fun and my parents seemed like the perfect couple, I used to want to grow up to be just like my mom then."

"Sounds so…normal."

"Very normal but life is getting better now."

"That's great. What are you getting into tonight?"

"I have to help Alli with something."

"Cool."

Night came quicker than I expected. I went to Alli's. Mr. Bhandari was cheerful in greeting me as always. He had a newspaper under his arm and a cup of coffee in his hand. Mrs. Bhandari looked rather sad. Sav waved to me from their kitchen table. I guess he was doing homework. I knocked on Alli's room and I heard her weakly tell me to come in. I opened the door and the room was dimly lit. She was lying across the bed, curled up with a teddy bear and a heating pad. There was a wastebasket full of used tissues beside her bed.

"Alli are you okay?"

"No, I'm not."

"I'm sure everyone has regrets."

"No Clare, I didn't do it."

"You didn't?"

"No… Drew found out from somebody and he came to the clinic angry. When he calmed down we talked and decided to have it."

"Oh. Are you going to keep it?"

"No. I'll give it to my cousin and his wife. They can't have children."

"Then why the tears? Things are going to be okay?"

"Because this is my reputation… Not only that but my dad doesn't know and when he finds out he's going to kill me. He'll probably kick me out and consider me some kind of whore."

"Alli I'm confident that your dad will be more understanding than that."

"I'm scared Clare."

"Everything will be fine Alli."

"You won't be ashamed to walk beside me when I get huge at school and everybody whispers?"

"Alli would I be a real friend if I ditched you just because of a little fetus weight? They've whispered about me for worse things. I'm your friend until the end."

"Thanks… So now I need some good news. I've been so depressed all day."

"Well… Eli and I hung out yesterday. He ate dinner with me, Darcy and Peter again, we went out for ice cream and we got into an argument because he called my sprinkles "sissified" and he didn't die last night when Fitz stabbed him."

"CLARE! Seriously? I need deets! What happened?"

"Fitz was waiting for us when we left the ice cream shop. Eli sent me inside to be safe and Fitz stabbed him through the arm with this huge knife. It took a lot of stitches to close Eli up and he had to get blood."

"Clare! Your life is so fast paced lately."

"Not really."

"So other than that… How are things going?"

"Great. It's only been a couple days though. We are taking things slow remember."

"Yeah, uh huh… Any more smooches?"

"Just on the cheek Alli."

"Who was the kisser?"

"I was."

"Look at you initiating contact… I'm going to be so fat."

"Alli shut up."

So my friend was going to have a baby. Even though it's not my life this will affect my life. How will she handle it? Should I refer her to Ms. Suave early? I mean even though it's annoying having to go there, the therapy helps. I just don't want her to go through mental torment like I did. Even though rape and having to give your baby up for adoption are on two separate continents pain and depression register in all fields.

"So, I guess this means I will be going to the dance Friday."

"Oh you will, cool."

"You and Eli going?"

"I don't know."

"Has he asked?"

"Yes."

"Clare!"

"What? He got stabbed."

"So, if he's well enough to drive and hang at the dot then he's well enough to boogie down."

"I'll see what I can do. Who are you going with?"

"Dave. I need some non Drew time and Dave is so nerdy he cracks me up. I need a few chuckles."

Alli and I watched chick flicks and we ate junk food until late. Right when I was about to go to sleep I got a text from Eli.

"**So Clare, still busy with your friend Friday?"**

"**No."**

"**Well, then shall I go hotwire the limo now? I mean if you want to."**

"**Morty will be fine for this occasion."**

"**Red carpet?"**

"**Nah, red's not your color."**

"**Well at least let me get a tux….a blue one with a cummerbund."**

"**Oh god no! Do that and I might just stab you."**

"**Point taken. I will pick you up at seven Friday and I will also see you at school tomorrow."**

"**Okay, goodnight."**

"**Goodnight gorgeous."**

Stupid cheeks, stop grinning and blushing!

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review.**


	17. Chapter 17

Eli

"And if she comes back carrying anyone or anything but her sweater and purse you are dead meat. And that is why it's important to practice safe sex."

"Uhh…"

"Goodbye Darcy, come on Eli. Eli! Come on!"

Clare pulled me out of the house. I never get used to Darcy's threats. That one left me a little stunned. We went out to Morty. I opened Clare's door for her and then I went around and got in. Driving with one hand hasn't been that big of an inconvenience because I do it anyway, now I just have an excuse to.

The ride to the dance was silent. Clare seemed nervous for some reason. She looks breathtaking. At every stop light my eyes wander over to her. I don't think I've ever seen her wear makeup before. She doesn't need it or anything but for tonight it looks great. She looks great.

We arrived at Degrassi and I parked. Lucky for me, my normal slot was available. I opened the door for Clare and I grabbed her hand as we walked up the steps of the school. She looked at me and she blushed. Right before we went through the door I stopped her and I whispered in her ear.

"You look so beautiful tonight."

She smiled, or course she tried to hide it but I know the truth. I held the door as she walked in. Holly J. Sinclair was taking up tickets. I handed her our tickets and then it was on to the dance. It was decorated in lots of silver. There was a disco ball on the ceiling. Sav was the DJ for tonight. As soon as we walked in Alli ran up to Clare. They had a squeal fest and they complimented each other…Women. Adam came over to me and he punched me in the arm… the one I got stabbed in. I winced in pain.

"Oh dude I'm sorry… hurt arm?"

"Yes the hurt arm."

"So she's finally going out with you."

"Yeah she is. Well we aren't official but we are getting there."

"Uh huh. You know the after party is at Fiona's… It's a hook up party. You attending?"

"No. Clare and I aren't into that."

"Come on man, everybody is into sweet loving."

"Not us… She's waiting and I respect that."

"Alright dude I dig it. Am I supposed to bring the chips or the root beer for tomorrow's video game fest? I'm totally ready to whoop that Californian kid's ass!"

"I feel your enthusiasm Adam. We will discuss strategy before the game begins."

"Roger that. Well, Fiona is looking over at me all pouty like… See ya dude."

"Alright man."

I turned around to see Clare with her arms crossed and her brow raised. The look on her face was suspicious, but not serious.

"You're a gamer?"

"Yeah. It's my thing."

"Oh, I just never took you for the video game type."

"Oh. So… What do you want to do? Take the big picture….Dance…stand by the punchbowl and make people feel weird while they are quenching their thirst?"

"Dancing would be nice. I love this song…"

Clare

Eli smells good. I laid my head on his shoulder while we moved to the slow song. Eli made sure to keep his hands a safe distance away from my butt, which I appreciate. I however, could not keep myself from running my fingers through his hair. He didn't seem to mind though. I could feel his breath hit my neck right before her placed a kiss on it. I started to blush and I didn't even have to see myself to know it. When the song ended we pulled away from each other and I smiled.

"Want to go take one of those dance pictures in front of that cheesy ass background?"

"Sure."

Eli and I took a picture in front of the cheesy star filled background. He was holding me around the waist and our fingers were entwined. When the picture was done we took the receipt and then we went back out on the dance floor. I never took Eli for the dancing type, and to tell you the truth I was right. He can slow dance but other than that the boy is challenged. I don't care though; I had fun dancing with him and acting silly. It seems like time went by too quickly. I wanted to dance with Eli all night if you can believe it. Before we left the dance we got our pictures… They turned out…yeah they turned out.

After the dance Alli and I stood in the parking lot talking while Eli and Adam gossiped like two old bitties.

"So, Drew is going to that stupid hook up party at Fiona's with Bianca"

"I thought you two were back together?"

"No, he dumped me. We aren't talking unless it's about the baby."

"Do his parents know?"

"No. Enough of my sorrows though… What are you and Eli getting into tonight?"

"We are going for pizza."

"Cool, so I saw you two dancing… He has the dance moves of a retarded horse but um… it looked fun."

"It was. Where is Dave?"

"He left early after Wesley's date stood him up… He and Connor were trying to comfort their hurt friend. I don't blame him. I'd do the same thing."  
"Yeah…"

"So, my brother is about to leave and that's my ride. Call me and fill me in on the deets."

"You know I will."

I turned around and Eli was standing there with his arms crossed with that devious smirk on his face. I frowned a little and he started laughing.

"What?"

"So I have the dance moves of a retarded horse?"

"She said it not me!"

"But you agreed."

"Well you can't dance… But I like it when you try. You are fun…"

"What? Clare Edwards thinks I'm fun? Can I get this in writing? First you care about me now I'm fun… Could you be starting to like me?"

"Ha ha, don't get all weird on me. You're a good date for dances that's all."

"Uh huh… Our pictures turned out… they turned out."

"My words exactly. I mean they aren't bad. Only the glare from the silvery stars is making our skin look all weird and the color of the balloons isn't doing anything for our complexion."

"So that's what looks so off…"

"So you aren't going to Fiona's big hook up party?"  
"No, are you?"

"No."

"Well good… because I was looking forward to eating pizza with you and if you are nice… maybe ice cream after words."

"Not that same shop though, the guy is probably still shocked."

"Actually the pizza place has some pretty awesome ice cream."

"Good."

We went to get pizza. We split a thin crust pepperoni. It was delicious, especially with a coke to wash it down. We talked and laughed about stuff even more if that's possible. Why couldn't this side of Eli have been the one I always saw?

"So Clare, when you asked me if I was going to that party… what were you hitting at?"

"I was just asking. Who knows, there might be some hot young popper you are dating."

"Clare, you know better than that. I am trying to date a girl but…"

"Oh I see…. You let her see you dance?"

"Cold blooded Clare, cold blooded."

"Sorry Eli."

"So Clare how would you rate this night from one to ten?"

"Well… It has been pretty fun so this night gets a nine."

"A nine!"

"Yes a nine, it is still a high ranking Eli."

"Alright alright."

After the pizza and the ice cream he took me home. We sat in Morty for a few minutes holding hands. I don't think I was aware he was holding my hand until his ring scratched my hand. It wasn't a bad scratch so I didn't bring attention to it.

"Clare you are an awesome date. I would have felt better if you would have let me wear my blue tux though."

"Oh Eli, what will I ever do with you?"

"Hopefully love me someday…"

"You don't give up huh?"

"You should be able to answer that for yourself."

"Walk me to my door?"

"Of course."

I got butterflies in my stomach as we approached my front porch. I decided that I was going to kiss Eli on the lips. I'm a little rusty at initiating lip action so I'm not sure how this will pan out. We stopped under the porch light and I hugged him. When we pulled apart from the hug I leaned in to kiss him. I guess he was leaning in too because we bumped foreheads. We each grabbed our aching noggins and laughed.

"Maybe you should let me handle the kisses from now on Saint Clare. It's supposed to be done like this."

He pulled me close and kissed me deeply. Most people say they see fireworks during a good kiss but I didn't. I did enjoy the moment though and it took my breath away. Who would have thought that this night and even the relationship Eli and I are building would have ever been happening? Certainly not me but… I'm glad it's happening.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review =)**


	18. Chapter 18

Clare

_I walked down the hallway. It was night and I was at Degrassi but I don't know why. Eli suddenly appeared at the end of the hall. There were no words or sounds but he pointed to something behind me. The expression on his face was not only a worried one, but excited in that bad way. I turned around to see Fitz behind me…he was holding a knife and wearing a smile. A big smile. I tried crying out for help but I found that I was stricken soundless too. I started running but I couldn't run fast enough. Eli started running towards me in the hallway. At least I thought he was running towards me. He ran into Fitz and his chest met the point of Fitz's blade. It went straight through and Fitz pushed Eli's lifeless body off of the knife and onto the ground. I started to run again, but still not fast enough. Fitz pulled me back by my hair and he put the blade to my throat. He was suddenly able to talk. He said "Bitch….wakeup"_

"**Wake up Clare! Wake up!"**

"Ahhh! Mmm….. Darcy?"

"Yes sweetheart. You were having a bad dream."

"It was so real and so unreal Darcy. Eli was dead…I watched Fitz kill him."

"Oh honey Fitz is in jail for at least four years remember."

"I know but what if he escapes or they let him go when his time is up in juvie and they don't send him to regular jail? What will Eli do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Fitz… well he will probably want to hurt Eli more than he will want to hurt me."

"You are probably right but um… let's cross that bridge when we get to it and let Eli handle it."

"Yeah, okay."

I knew there was no way I'd be able to go back to sleep so I got online. Eli was on chat. I wonder why he's always up so late. It's not like he has night terrors too. I didn't start the conversation. Instead I waited for him to pop in and he did…like always.

"**Hey gorgeous. Why are you up?"**

"**Night terror."**

"**The same one?"**

"**No…This one was different. You were in it."**

"**Wow, what happened?"**

"**Fitz killed you."**

"**Oh. That sucks."**

"**Yeah…big time."**

"**So that dance tonight was fun huh?"**

"**Yeah it was. You know Eli… you are an okay date."**

"**Thanks. Are you going to tell Ms. Suave about the night terror?"**

"**No."**

"**Have you told her about any of the night terrors?"**

"**No."**

"**Don't you think you should have?"**

"**No."**

"**Okay okay… Plans for tomorrow?"**

"**Chilling with myself… No real plans."**

"**Great, then I want you to come have dinner with my family."**

"**That sounds pleasant. What time?"**

"**Pick you up around six."**

"**Great."**

I got offline and I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless. Instead I just lay in bed and I thought about my life and the lives of the people around me. I thought about my family. My mother and father. My dad drops off money every week and my mom…I haven't heard from her in a long time. Darcy came into my room and she sat on my bed.

"So tomorrow night… Mom is coming for dinner."

"Really?"

"She's going to prison Clare. The judge had some sympathy and he gave her a week to close up her affairs but she's prison bound Monday morning at eight."

"Wow. How long"

"Five years."

"Wow."

"Just thought I would give you a heads up. What are your plans for tonight?"

"Eli invited me for dinner with his family."

"Dinner with the Goldsworthy's. That sounds like a plan worth keeping. Have fun and let's hope that they don't threaten you like I threaten Eli….I'm sure they won't."

"I'm sure they won't either. What are you doing tonight?"

"Pete and I are painting above the Dot so…don't wait up."

"Okay."

Eli

Today has been interesting. I went grocery shopping with my mother. Well, she made me go so it wasn't by choice. She's going to make me cook too. She just wants me to embarrass myself in front of Clare I suppose.

"Mom."

"Son."

"Don't you guys embarrass me in front of Clare please?"

"Geez Louis what kind of thing is that to say?"

"You know how you two can get with the intimate talk and the kissing…Please just be on your best behavior."

"Scouts honor baby. I promise."

"Okay. And no baby pictures or bud brownies after dinner."

"Okay Eli, I get it…"

"Thanks mom."

My mother decided to let me off the hook for cooking after she saw that I couldn't even tell the difference between a pot and a skillet. Instead I went to my room and I cleaned it up. It's been a while since I've been able to see my floor. I sometimes forget my carpet it white. After all the clothes were hung up, put in a drawer or placed in the hamper my room looked like a completely new place. Why haven't I thought of cleaning up before? I figured I should do this in case Clare wants to see it. I don't want her to think I'm a slob.

One thing that I looked at that caught my eye was the picture of Julia on my nightstand. Would that turn Clare away, the fact that I still sleep with it there? I took the picture and I hung it on the wall instead. I can't archive the picture away in photo album or a memory box just yet. I'm still not ready.

I showered and got dressed. By the time I was done getting ready I could smell the food from my room. I called to let Clare know I was on my way and then I hopped in Morty and I went to her place. Before I went to her front porch I took an aspirin for my arm. It is starting to bug me now, but I still refuse to take the pills I was prescribed.

I knocked on the door and Clare opened it. She was wearing a pale blue dress with a white sweater. She looked beautiful. She turned out the lights and locked up her house and then we were on our way. She told me some more about that dream she had. It sounded pretty bad. I wish there was something I could do to help her not have these stupid night terrors.

We arrived at my house and I helped her out of the car. I unlocked the door to my house and we went on in. I called out to my parents to let them know that we were here. Goldie had the night off tonight, which is rare, so she decided to spend it with us. She walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch with a beer in her hands.

"Clare, hey, how are you?"

"Hi Goldie. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I can't complain. So you've come to have dinner with our family…"

"Yeah."

"Great…Hey Sasha is the food done?"

"Yes! I'm setting the table!"

"Get a move on! We have company."

This is exactly what I didn't want Clare to see. What kid bosses around the parent like that? Clare sniggled at something but I'm not sure what. I decided to give her a tour of the house while my mom finished setting the table. It beats having to sit there and be awkward with Goldie.

"So… your house is huge."

"Yeah, it's not cardboard box. I personally don't know why we need all these rooms though."

We walked out the back door and into the backyard where the pool was. I led her to the bar, which has a slushy machine. I fixed her an orange slushy. I even put an umbrella in it. We sat out there and we talked until she finished her drink and then, as if on cue, my mother called us in for dinner.

Clare

The food looked and smelled delicious. So far this dinner night has been interesting. I think Eli is a little embarrassed because anytime his family does something bizarre, he turns bright red. He just doesn't know that I never expected his family to be normal. In fact I expected them to be even more…unusual than they are.

"So Clare, how did you and my Eli meet?"

"Well Mrs. Goldsworthy w…"

"He used to bully her. Isn't that right Eli?"

"Eli! Bullying! No, no, no! Violence is not our thing."

"Mom I don't do it anymore."

"Oh poor girl. Clare are you okay?"

"Yes Mrs. Goldsworthy, I am now."

"That's great.

Lucky for me the conversation flowed easy and it was full of laughter. Though sometimes I thought Eli's head was going to explode, all in all I would say this dinner has been pleasant. After we ate I helped Mrs. Goldsworthy empty the table and load the dishes into the dishwasher then I bid them all goodbye and we left.

"So how did you like them?"

"They are so crazy, I love it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I didn't expect your family to be normal Eli. I mean you aren't even normal."

"Is that and insult or a compliment?"

"A compliment."

"Great. It may not be any of my business but…you seem bothered about something."

"My mom is going to jail Monday. She's having a goodbye dinner with us tomorrow."

"Clare are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It was just shocking news. We've known it was a possibility for months."

"Wow. You know if you need me, I'm only a call away."

"Thanks Eli."

We arrived in front of my house. Darcy won't be home until late and I know I will just be bored. I decided to invite Eli in to watch TV or a movie or something.

"Wanna come in and watch a movie?"

"Sounds great."

"Good."

We went into the house and I turned on the light. I went to the DVD collection. I started listing the choices. After thinking on it a while he answered.

"Well, all of those are chick flicks so you pick one."

"Okay…House Bunny."

"Edwards you have got to get some gore in your movie selection."

"What can I say? Rom Com is my thing."

"Uh huh."

We sat beside each other on the loveseat while watching Anna Farris' goofy shenanigans. I thought the movie was funny but Eli is apparently too cool to laugh at my selection. In the middle of the movie he put his arm around me. My heart sped up and I got butterflies in my stomach. My palms even got sweaty and a lump formed in my throat. What is wrong with me? Eli asked me a question about the movie and I turned to answer him. His lips snatched mine and we kissed. This kiss lasted longer than the others and this kiss was harder than the others. His hands rested on my sides and they felt like hot coals on my body. I wanted to stop him because this wasn't supposed to be happening…but I didn't want to stop him because all the feelings I'm having right now are making me feel alive. We were in a goldilocks zone with our making out until we became horizontal. His weight on me made me feel trapped. I couldn't breathe and I had to get up. I pulled away from the kiss and I gasped for air while I pushed him up. I scooted away from him.

"Clare, are you okay?"

"Just go…I'm such an idiot."

"Clare… what happened? Did I do something wrong?"

"No. I just wasn't ready to go that far. I thought I was but I wasn't."

"I'm sorry…You aren't an idiot okay? We can just want the movie."

"Okay."

"Can I put my arm around you?"

"Sure."

We watched a few more movies after House Bunny. My embarrassment started to fade and I just began to enjoy myself again. It is going to be a while before I can comfortably get into a make out session with Eli. I'm really starting to like him though, so I hope he can understand.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review.**


	19. Chapter 19

Clare

"You look very pretty baby."

"Thanks mom."

"Well…everybody don't be so quiet. I'm going to the big house for a few years not being put to death."

"Sorry mom… It just doesn't seem like something to celebrate."

"Helen, they are right. Going to jail is nothing to celebrate."

"I need at least one good memory before I get shipped off…"

"Well… When I helped you clean out the house I got the old family photos and videos. How about we look through those."

"That sounds nice Randall."

This dinner was awkward and silent. Peter looked about as uncomfortable as Darcy and I did, and we are Helen's daughters! I guess there was just nothing to say and there was most certainly nothing to celebrate. My mom is going to jail. I'm not happy about it. Sure, she left scars on me that not even time with make disappear. Unless I get cosmetic surgery I can never wear anything backless and I will always have to wear board shorts if I go swimming or to the beach… still… I never wished this on her. So many bad things happen to people in jail.

We started to look at baby pictures of me and Darcy. We watched home videos of our first steps, birthday parties and Christmas mornings. My mother, father, Darcy and me all sat on the couch and we clicked like a family one last time. One last time before things change forever. It was a happy moment but gloom was hanging right about our heads. It consumed us at the night came to a close. Darcy hugged my mother goodbye and my father went out to his car. He was going to give her a ride home. She asked to see me alone.

"Clare…"

"Mom?"

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I made you feel like scum and I'm sorry I hit you. I will never be able to forgive myself for any of it. Most of all I'm sorry for not being there for you when you got raped. I'm sorry for calling you those names and I want you to know that you didn't deserve any of it. You were the best daughter a person could have. I want you to have these."

"Grandma's pearls?"

"Yeah. I love you Clare. Be good okay?"

"Okay mom, Love you too."

I stood on the front porch with tears streaming down my face and pearls in my hand while I watched my mother ride away in my father's car. I exhaled, trying to stop my jaw from quivering. I think that is what I have been waiting on from her. I wanted an apology and now I have it.

When I went inside Peter and Darcy were cleaning up the kitchen. They were nearly done so I didn't offer to help. I put the pearls in my jewelry box on the counter. I sat on my bed and looked around my room. Nothing special or different about it tonight, I just wanted to look at it. Suddenly I got a call from Alli.

"Hello?"

"Clare…"

"Alli are you crying? What's going on?"

"I told my dad and he's really angry at me."

"It's going to be okay."

"Clare he's talking about putting me out!"

"Has he fully decided? He might just be saying things in the heat of the moment."

"Clare I'm so scared right now. I won't have anywhere to go! I'd be homeless."

"Alli, you can stay here…"

"Thanks. I'm so scared. He and my mom are arguing really loud. He even cursed at her and that's not really like my dad. He hates me… My father hates me Clare."

"Alli things will work out. I promise."

"I got to go. They want to talk to me."

I got off the phone with Alli and I cleared things with Darcy. I knew she wouldn't have any objections but I just wanted to be sure. Poor Alli. I hope her father doesn't put her out. I know he won't ever accept the situation or be happy about it but she does need him these nine months at least until she gives the baby to her relatives. What would I have done if that was me? Pregnant and alone, with the exception of a few friends… My phone rang again. This time it was Eli. He was probably calling to see how the dinner with my mother went.

"Hello?"

"Hey. So…How'd it go?"

"Okay. She apologized."

"That's great."

"And she gave me her mom's pearls."

"Is that good?"

"No it's not… I wasn't supposed to get them until she died."

"You don't think…"

"Yeah I do think that she's going to kill herself. I just don't know what I can do to stop her."

"Maybe she won't."

Time proved me right. Later on that night we got a call from the police department saying that my mother was dead. Darcy and I went down to the morgue to identify her. Yep, that was our mother alright. She blew her brains out. We clung to each other crying and sobbing. I feared this would happen and it did. I never wanted this for my mother. I never wanted her to be hurt or die, I only wanted her to love me like she used to. Now there will never be a chance for that but at least we had one last moment. Our father came into the room we were sitting in. He wrapped his arms around us both and we all cried together. Now what happens?

Eli

"What?"

"Clare isn't here because her mom died."

"She would have told me."

"Eli she's mourning right now."

"She had a feeling something like this would happen."

"Why do you say that?"

"Last night when we talked she told me about some pearls her mother was supposed to pass on to her when she died or whatever but she gave them to Clare last night instead."

"Wow… Well…are you going to visit her today?"

"Yes. Now that I know."

"Send my condolences."

"Sure thing."

So that's why Clare isn't here today. I hopped in Morty and I went to Clare's place, making a pit stop along the way at the Florists. When I got there Clare was locking up the front door. I guess she and Darcy were going somewhere. She told Darcy to give her a minute and she approached Morty. I stepped out of the hearse and I handed her the flowers. She hugged me and thanked me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wasn't trying to not tell you, I've just been really busy today."

"I understand. Call me if you need anything or if you need to talk."

"Thanks. We are going to pick out her casket now. Lucky for us she still had life insurance."

"Yeah, at least you won't be in debt."

"Yeah… Well see you around."

"Okay."

Clare seemed calm. She definitely wasn't happy but she wasn't in an uproar either. She was at some kind of strange ease… I left and then they pulled off too. I decided to go back to school because there is nothing else to do with my day. When I got back I noticed that Sav and Drew were in front of the school all bloodied up and looking angry while Adam was trying to keep them apart.

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

"That little asshole knocked up my kid sister!"

"Your kid sister wasn't that hard to knock up. She'll open her legs for any guy with smooth moves and a few pick up lines… I found out why they call her backwoods Bhandari!"

Sav went at Drew, punching him in the face several times and then banging his head against the pavement. Adam and I tried to separate the two but it was hard to do. Soon we didn't have to worry about playing peacemakers because Simpson and some security guards came out. They maced the two guys and put them in the back of two cruisers.

"Adam and Eli what the hell is going on out here?"

"Well I just saw it because I was coming back from…. Getting my French book."

"Goldsworthy I couldn't give two shits about you skipping school right now. What did you see?"

"Adam was trying to keep Drew and Sav from fighting but it didn't work because Drew and Sav started fighting."

"Adam, what the hell is going on? Your mom isn't going to be happy."

"Not my issue…My brother got Alli pregnant. Alli's dad flipped last night and is threatening to disown her. Sav is pissed so he put a beating on my brother, my brother put a beating on him and I just happen to come outside for a smoke. When I see the fight I try to break it up but I'm just one guy… so they start trying to kill each other and later on Eli tries to help too."

"You two, class, now…"

"Yes Mr. Simpson."

"Yes Simsonio!"

"Now!"

That seems like a really sticky situation that I don't want to touch with a ten foot pole. I started to think about my past again. I started to think about how if fate had dealt different cards, then I might have been a single father right now. Julia was pregnant once before. We were so dumb to try and use two condoms and think it would work. She got pregnant because both of them broke. One main reason why I'm not a papa right now is because she lost the baby. The crazy part is that we'd already named it. We weren't even old enough to work or drive but we were going to keep a baby… I suppose we thought we could have raised it on love alone. The miscarriage, for us, was both a blessing and a curse. Julia died a few months after that….

The bell rang while I stood in the hallway, leaning against the locker. I guess I really got lost in thought. The students flowed out into the hall like herds of cattle. It was the end of the day for sure….

I kicked myself for ever thinking about Julia, not that I want to forget her but now I can't stop myself. I'm falling back into that depression. This never turns out good. Why did I have to be stupid and drive Morty knowing I wasn't qualified yet? Why did my parents leave the keys around knowing how I was? Why were the fucking tires so bald and the roads so slick? Why wasn't Julia wearing her damned seatbelt!

I jumped into Morty and I drove to the spot where Julia now resides. The shady oak cemetery. I didn't get out just yet. Instead I stayed in the car and I replayed the accident over and over in my mind. I couldn't stop myself. My memories repeated themselves in my brain like a broken record, so what bumped the machine?

I started to think about how close I was to joining Julia at this place, in the ground. We would have been together but would it really matter then? Would I really want to be right there beside her in the ground knowing that neither of us no longer thought, spoke, or lived? What is the point of dying to be with the one you love when you are _dying_?

I sobbed with my head on the steering wheel and my hands pulling my hair. I let it all out and then I went to her grave. I dusted it off and rearranged the faux flowers that were placed in the holders beside her tombstone. I touched the ground for a moment and pretended that she could feel me and then I left…

I went to the ice cream place where my life was nearly cut short. The owner remembered me and he gave me a strange look. I ordered three scoops of chocolate in a cup. I was surprised to see Clare here eating a couple scoops of vanilla with sprinkles in it. I just assumed she'd be with her family right now. I stood by her table.

"Mind if I sit?"

"Go ahead."

"So, what are you doing here?"

"Eating ice cream."

"I mean, I thought you'd be with your family right now."

"Darcy sent me away to clear my head. I started freaking out when I saw my mom's body and I started really freaking out when all the strange relatives I'd never even seen before all piled into our house like hungry hippos expecting a meal."

"Oh, I see now…"

"Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

"I have been but don't worry about that."

When I spoke those words it was like I'd said all I needed to say. She went back to eating her ice cream and I started eating mine. There were no words to really be said right now so we didn't mutter any. Instead we sat in silence, which wasn't so bad after all.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review.**


	20. Chapter 20

Clare

It's been some months since my mother passed. Days are getting easier to live but sometimes I still do get worried and sad because of what I learned in church… They said suicide is a sin that cannot be forgiven. What if my mother is in hell right now? I try not to think about things like that but sometimes I can't help it.

Its summertime and Alli is staying with us. She's going through a crisis of her own. Her father did decide to put her out. Not only that, but the family members who were going to adopt her baby had some second thoughts. As of now she doesn't even know if she's still giving the baby up. Her mother sends money and visits, so does Sav. Either way, she knows she has a friend in me.

We were sitting on the couch. I was painting and she was watching soaps. We were talking about her current non-relationship with Drew. He's become a real jerk. He's been saying mean things about Alli over the internet and he's made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby.

"Clare I envy you."

"Why?"

"You are still a virgin."

"No I'm not…I've been raped remember?"

"That doesn't count Clare. You are still a virgin until you choose to have sex. I wish I'd waited. Drew is saying so many nasty things about me. It hurts my feeling so bad but there is nothing I can really say to make him stop. What can I do? I'm a girl and I'm weak, plus I'm pregnant. I can't fight Drew… I can't even manage a comeback. I feel so…helpless. Not only that my father is trying to pay me to get emancipated and disown them."

"Alli I'm sorry… Drew is being a bully. I would say that you should tell Simpson but…school is out. I'm sorry about your dad too. I guess we are just all delt our fair share of family drama. About the Drew thing though…we are going to talk to him about it and if he doesn't stop then I will mace him."

"Thanks Clare, you are the best friend ever!"

Alli stopped crying and I went back to painting. Eli was sending me silly texts while he was at the dentist's office. He comes over every night or day now. Most of the time he brings Adam so it's like a big party. We have become a lot closer… I succeeded at a real make out session. All of our clothes stayed on of course but I didn't freak out when he was on top of me. Sometimes I still have those night terrors about Fitz but they've been few and far between. I'm finally starting to feel like… old Clare again. I think I might even be ready to call Eli my "boyfriend."

I finished my painting and I set it out to dry. I've been selling my artwork lately to a little home décor shop a few blocks from here. I try to help out but Darcy tells me to save my money… whatever that means. I guess she wouldn't really need my help though since she and Peter got married and he moved in. Yup, her name is Darcy Edwards- Stone now. It was a courthouse wedding and they had a party at above the dot after words. Eli was my date to the event…

An hour later there was a knock on the door. Eli and Adam were standing there. Eli had a huge grin on his face. I let the two stooges in and they made themselves comfortable. Eli was still grinning… I could see a lot of his teeth.

"Eli, why the huge smile?"

"Clare I was waiting for you to compliment my super white teeth."

"Oh right… I forgot that you were at the dentist… Eli, your teeth are so pearly white."

"Thank you Clare... You are the first person to ever compliment me on that."

"You guys are sickening."

"Ugh, Adam you can say that again!"

"Adam... Tell your stupid brother to stop saying mean things about Alli!"

"Hey don't kill me! I've been trying. I told him not to. I even hid the computer. Either he's getting smarter or I was careless because he found it! People never want to listen to me when I tell them to stop bullying people. This situation is oddly familiar."

"Hey… Clare and I didn't have a kid on the way."

"But it was still bullying Eli."

"But this is different Adam. Alli and Drew once shared something special... Now he's acting out."

"Don't remind me… That was the worst seven minutes of my life."

"Anyway… Adam just tell him that if he doesn't stop…he's in for a world of pain."

"Whoa! Mace girl is back?"

"Call me the mace super hero."

Adam and Alli talked about Drew while Eli and I went outside. I showed him my latest painting. It was simply a girl, a boy and a lake. He looked it over and then he looked at me.

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you."

"So I was thinking… Since we are dating… we should go on a date tonight."

"Well about that…"

"You aren't discontinuing our dates are you?"

"No, of course not… I was thinking that maybe I'm ready for a label with more commitment."

"You don't mean…"

"Yes…"

"I'm your boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"You're my girlfriend?"

"I hope so."

"So… Can I get a kiss or something?"

"Sure, why not?"

He kissed me and time stopped. I always get nervous when our lips meet but I don't want the feeling to stop. When we finally did pull away it was because a pizza guy was standing there with two boxes. Eli payed the man and then we went into the house.

Eli

So I officially have a girlfriend now. I'm glad of that because I have sort of been telling people that she's my girlfriend behind her back. I can't help it… that's what I feel in my heart. After hanging with the girls for the day Adam and I left. Clare and I were going to have a date tonight but I needed to handle something first. We pulled up at the Torres residence… Adam's house. Drew was in the backyard in their pool. We went around back…

"Sup guys?"

"Dude you really need to stop messing with Alli."

"It's harmless."

"No it's not Drew. Trust me I know. I done to Clare what you are doing to Alli and the damage might not be physical…but it's there. What did she do to you?"

"She was going to abort the baby."

"So… It's her body. It's not like you are being supportive now. She may as well have."

"I don't know okay… What are you the bully police?"

"No. I just don't want anyone else being bullied and I want you to know the true consequence of your actions."

"Well what am I supposed to do? Apologize?"

"Yes."

"Exactly dumbass! I've been telling you this forever…but Eli gets through to you… unbelievable!"

"I'll delete the things I said... when could I even apologize?"

"Soon."

I felt like a super hero. Stopping bullying one guy at a time and I didn't even have to threaten him with Mace Girl. Adam and I went to my place to get ready for tonight. He and Alli aren't technically on a date but he still wanted to be dapper.

When I got back to Clare's that night she was wearing these black leggings with a pale pink button down shirt and a huge black belt. She looked pretty. Alli and Adam had to get in the back. It was sort of nice. It felt like it was just Clare and me for a minute. She laid her head on my shoulder while I drove. The first place we went to was to this burger joint. The food there was great! After that it was on to the movies. We played rock paper scissors and Adam and I won so we saw the new slasher film. After the movie we went to the park. Adam and Alli sat in Morty and ate leftover candy while Clare and I took a walk.

"So…Enjoy the date?"

"Always… You know, we have come a long way Goldsworthy."

"I know."

"Know something else? I've been thinking."

"You are always thinking."

"No, this time I was thinking… What if I didn't wait until marriage to have sex?"

"Whoa! Clare…"

"I wouldn't want to do it tonight! I'm not even sure if I'd want to do it this year…It was just a thought."

"Well…let me know, okay?"

"You'll be the first one to know… Assuming that we are still together."

"Cynic."

"I'm not."

After sitting at the lake for a while we went back to the car. I dropped Adam off and then I dropped off Alli and Clare. Alli went into the house and left Clare and I alone to say goodbye. She looked up at me. The moonlight made her eyes sparkle. I kissed her. At that moment the stars could have fallen out of the sky. I wouldn't have cared because I'm holding and kissing Clare. The most beautiful flower that has ever grown out of a concrete sidewalk.

"Goodnight Clare."

"Goodnight Eli."

**Well, this is the end of the story! I hope you guys liked it because I liked writing it! Thanks for your reviews and thanks for reading. A lot of people get all wiggy when Eli and Clare are out of character but you guys didn't…no sir you didn't lol. Thanks! =D**


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